December 21, 2010
A FESTIVUS MIRACLE!
It's been a day or two since I made my last blog entry so I thought EFF IT! Now is as good of a time as any for an update. I have found Festivus to be a refreshing change of pace and break from the commercialism that is destroying Christmas. But instead of becoming one of those guys that grinds his gears and Bah! Humbugs about all that's wrong with Christmas, I'd rather put up an aluminum pole, send a close friend a donation certificate to the Human Fund, put on my favorite discount cashmere sweater, and talk about one of my favorite things about Christmas.. The music & movies.
Every December I make a Christmas playlist for that year. Originally the idea was basically to become Denzel Washington in American Gangster and make a 100% pure, 151, white sugar (that's drug lingo for any of you that aren't from the mean streets or Orem, Utah), playlist. To put it pleasantly I had to sift through and sort a compost heap worth of below average Christmas songs that took more hours than I care to divoulge. All with the intent to distribute & circulate a high end, unblemished, pure powder, white snow (again, it's an Orem thang), Christmas playlist to all my friends and family each year.
It all came down to the fact that I was sick of listening to the radio and hearing one classic song or carol sandwiched in between thirty minutes of poppycock. So for my own serenity and as a gift to others during this the most wonderful time of the year, I will share with you the Knucklepop 2010 Christmas playlist along with discussing a few select Christmas songs.
1. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town, Bruce Springsteen
2. Christmas All Over Again, Tom Petty
3. This Christmas, Donny Hathaway
4. The Christmas Song, Dave Matthews Band
5. Holly Jolly Christmas, Burt Ives
6. 2000 Miles, Coldplay
7. Last Christmas, Wham
8. Father Christmas, The Kinks
9. Little Saint Nick, The Beach Boys
10. Christmas For Cowboys, John Denver
11. Step Into Christmas, Elton John
12. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Bing Crosby
13. The Fist Noel, Crash Test Dummies
14. Go Tell It On The Mountain, James Taylor
15. Silver Bells, Anne Murray
16. Joseph, Better You Than Me, The Killers
17. We Wish You A Merry Christmas, Perry Como
18. Christmas Wrapping, The Waitresses
19. I Saw Three Ships, Sting
20. Oi To The World, No Doubt
21. Wonderful Christmastime, Paul McCartney
22. We Need A Little Christmas, Johnny Mathis
23. God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman, Mannheim Steamroller
24. Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You, Billy Squire
25. What Christmas Means To Me, Stevie Wonder
26. Here Comes Santa Claus, Gene Autry
27. All I Want For Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey
28. Christmastime, Smashing Pumpkins
29. Do They Know Its Christmas Time, Band Aid
30. Christmas Auld Lang Syne, Bobby Darin
POPULAR CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT WILL NEVER MAKE THE LIST
Baby It's Cold Outside, Dean Martin
Classic Christmas song or date rape set to music? You be the judge.
I wonder if this Is how Dean and the Rat Pack use to close the deal back before roofies were around and easily accessible to bearded men. It's crazy how popular this horrific, creepy, Christmas song has gotten. The worst part is this is only act one of the song!
In act two his persistence pays off, after he successfully persuades (forces) her to stay, he then goes right into singing "Baby it's Hot Inside". This time around he is now singing that due to the high temperature inside he highly recommends she start removing articles of clothing, and yep, you guessed it, he doesn't take no for an answer. Act three, I think we all know where this is going. I'll let you do the math and figure out how this time honored Christmas classic ends.
Just remember kids NO means NO.
My Grown Up Christmas List, Amy Grant
Hey Amy, wake the H! up! Grow up, quit dreaming, and don't forget to pay your rent. I like the less sappy, less depressing, better written, version of this song so much better.. It's called "Happy Xmas War Is Over" by John Lennon.
Merry Christmas Darling, The Carpenters
Karen Carpenter's voice = nails on the chalkboard. Right off the bat let me just say that I realize this selection is one of the more controversial of the group. This Christmas album played nonstop in my house growing up. I thought it was terrible then and it's even worse now. For any of you sitting on the fence about this one, may I kindly remind you, this song features the lyric "In my dreams I'm Christmasing with you".
My grown up Christmas wish is that Karen would have decided to quit eating before this song and album ever came out. Oh, and by the way, merry Christmas :)
Christmas Through Your Eyes, Gloria Estefan
What if instead of changing their name from Miami Sound Machine to Gloria Estefan in 1989 they had actually all died in a fiery bus accident while touring?!
Mary Did You Know, Kenny Rogers & Wynonna Judd
Luke 1:26-33. Trust me, she knew.
Blue Christmas, Elvis Presley
It's mind boggling to think this song has sucked for over 50 years. Yet I have to listen to It on the radio multiple times a day every December.
STRAP ME TO THE YULE LOG, ROAST MY CHESTNUTS, AND LIGHT ME ON FIRE LIST
Jingle Bells, Barbra Streisand
If only she were Jewish, we would have never had to fall victim to this seasonal ear raping. After all, a Jew would never make a Christmas album right? It just wouldn't happen, I mean it wouldn't make any sense.
This song is not only in the lead and the clear-cut favorite in competition for worst Christmas song ever, but it's also on the short list of competition for the worst song ever made.
Anyway, I would say more, but I'm currently busy listening to my Babs, Neil Diamond, Kenny G aka Kenny Gorelick, and Elliott Yamin Christmas CD's.
Christmas Shoes, Newsong
If I never hear this song again it will be too soon. If you'll excuse me, even the cheerful optimist inside me can't stomach this song and will be busy filling a glass half empty full of vomit for the next four minutes and forty-eight seconds.
Next year: Christmas Movies