MAN CRUSH OF THE MONTH: JANUARY

JANUARY 2011
MARK WAHLBERG



Admit that you are just as uncomfortable reading about who my man crushes are as I am writing about them. But since you're already here and you're already reading you might as well finish. I promise I will keep this pretty compact.
Lets get the elephant out of the room right up front. Yes, I am perfectly aware my January man crush was once upon a time a white 90's rapper. I am also aware that he unfortunately had a posse named "The Funky Bunch". Yes, his older brother is a member of the New Kids On The Block, and yes, I know that he starred in the colossally bad M. Night Shyamalan movie "The Happening". Now before this thing starts to get to far off track I would like to interject that.. Okay fine, Yes, he also has a tattoo of Sylvester the cat and Tweety bird on his ankle. Now can we please move on already?! Thank you!

Yesterday the 2011 Oscar nominations were announced and among the notable Oscar snubs this year none were as blatant as Wahlberg's for his reserved role as Micky Ward in The Fighter. Mark single-handedly developed every aspect of that film start to finish, a labor of love that was nearly five years in the making. Along with being one of the top three films of last year, The Fighter also joins the short list of the greatest boxing movies ever made. So Why the snub? I just hope it doesn't have anything to do with his white rapping past.
I can't understand how the majority of the public won't let poor Marky's ridiculous past go, yet they don't think twice about giving a pass to other actors with a far more dubious track record. To prove my point, let's play a game called "Which Is Worse?" Here is how you play: I will compare two different actors by naming several different films they've acted in over the years and you tell me which one is worse.

Which is worse?
1997: Boogie Nights or Men In Black?
1998: The Big Hit or Enemy of The State?
1999: Three Kings or Wild Wild West?
2000: The Perfect Storm or The Legend of Bagger Vance?
2001: Rock Star or Ali?
2002: The Truth About Charlie or Men In Black II?
2003: The Italian Job or Bad Boys II?
2004: I Heart Huckabees or I Robot?
2005: Four Brothers or Hitch?
2006: The Departed & Invincible or The Pursuit of Happiness?
2007: The Shooter or I Am Legend?
2008: The Happening or Hancock?
2009: The Lonely Bones or Seven Pounds?
2010: The Fighter & The Other Guys or force feeding your children down our throats i.e. Jaden & Willow Smith?
Sports/Boxing film: The Fighter or Ali?
Oscar nominated/snubbed performances: The Departed & The Fighter or Ali & The Pursuit of Happiness?
Career acting low: The Happening or Wild Wild West?



Depending on your taste of movies or lack there of, except for a select few films and maybe one or two draws, the better resume is undoubtedly slanted in Marky Mark's favor. Now would you believe me if I told you If you that the actor in juxtaposition of Mark Wahlberg is the highest paid actor in Hollywood? Unfortunately it's all too true. I'm sure you guessed who the second actor was within the first few seconds, and if you guessed Will "The Fresh Prince" Smith than you guessed right.
Can anyone honestly say that Will Smith's rapping past as The Fresh Prince is any less egregious Than Mark Wahlberg's as Marky Mark?



Anyway, enough of Will Smith, lets talk man crushes.
Mark Wahlberg is basically Ryan Reynolds if Ryan picked halfway watchable movie roles. His Calvin Klein ads were as memorable as any CK ads before or since. Also as proven in the movie Fear he is so muscular that if he repeatedly punches himself in the chest it inexplicably creates a bruise. For more information on this topic please email Chrissy at cdav06@gmail.com.



My hope and silent prayer of my heart is that rather than trying to remember him as this:


We will instead remember him for his acting chops and getting nominated and snubbed for these:

Amen.

LOCAL HAMBURGER REVIEWS: CHADDER'S

After months of painstaking research and preparation the time to talk burgers is finally at hand. The year is now finished, the ballots have been cast, and the chads have been dimpled. As previously stated, my wife, my daughter, and myself spent the entire year of 2010 traveling near and far to over 50 different acclaimed local, and not so local restaurants and burger joints taking notes, throwing caution and calorie intake to the wind, and putting our bodies into harms way so that you can continue to go to your same, ordinary, boring, convenient, less than average, fast food places that you've always gone to.. I just hope you now do so feeling somewhat guilty knowing that you could be going somewhere much better.



You may find yourself asking "What is Chadder's and where is it located?" My answer to that would be: "Exactly."
I hate to start off the first review with sad news, but unfortunately Chadder's is no longer with us.
Chadder's was a good restaurant, and a good pioneer. It was one of us. It was a restaurant that loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a fast food chain it explored the greater part of Utah, from Provo to American Fork and... up to... West Valley. It died.. it died as so many young burger joints of its generation, before its time.
In your wisdom Lord you took it, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Chadder's. Chadder's, who loved bowling.
And so, Chadder's Holdings LLC, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Great Salt Lake, which you loved so well... Good night, sweet prince.



Though Chadder's is gone it is certainly not forgotten. In fact, Its long lasting effects can still be felt all over Utah. For those of you that now enjoy eating at In-N-Out on a regular basis, you may very well have Chadder's to thank for that. To further emphasize my point I may need to rely on a small dose of hyperbole.
Chadder's was the Jackie Robinson of fast food restaurants here in Utah. As the story goes Chadder's opened in American Fork in 2007 and was basically the Western Family version of In-N-Out. The Menu was the same, the building and dining room area was the same, the colors and employees uniforms were the same, and more importantly the food was the same.. only better. To seal the deal it even made available in abundance a Utah favorite that In-N-Out doesn't offer... Fry Sauce! And plenty of it.



Apparently a bunch of douchebags and dorks started calling and writing In-N-Out asking if they were related to Chadder's. That may be my favorite part of the story. Yes honor student, of course they're affiliated, but rather than use their overly successful, famous business name they decided to open a restaurant in an obscure location in American Fork, Utah and call it Chadder's. Besides that small, meaningless detail everything else is exactly the same. Some people with more time than sense, even wrote them calling Chadder's rip offs and were so upset that they had to be consoled.
Eventually In-N-Out flew their VP out to check out the commotion and within a month or two filed a lawsuit against Chadder's for copyright infringement, and wouldn't you know... it made plans to finally open an In-N-Out less than one mile away from Chadder's and eventually other In-N-Out locations started popping up all over Utah. So after In-N-Out spent 60 plus years of Utah free business it may very well have been Chadder's that awoke the sleeping giant enough to get them to come to Utah.. And for that we thank you.
After continuing business and even expanding over the last three years, in May of 2010 Chadder's sadly closed its doors for business a final time.





CHADDER'S
CATEGORY: FAST FOOD
SPECIALITY BURGER/ "THE HAT TRICK": 15 OUT OF 20
CHEESEBURGER: 16.5 OUT OF 20
TOPPINGS: 2.5 OUT OF 5
BURGER SMELL: 2 OUT OF 2
GREASE FACTOR: 3 OUT OF 5
Z’S BUN RATING: 4 OUT OF 5
PORTION SIZE: 2.5 OUT OF 5
FRIES: 2.5 OUT OF 5
PRICE: 2.5 OUT OF 5
PORTION SIZE VS. PRICE OVERALL SCORE: 5 OUT OF 10
AFTERMATH: 6 OUT OF 10
OVERALL ATMOSPHERE: 7 OUT OF 10
FINAL OVERALL SCORE: 69.5 OUT OF 100
THE MRS. RATING: B
KNUCKLE POP RATING: A-

STYLING Z

As an honorary gay man, I've taken it upon myself to assist in the styling of my daughters hair. Sadly, I care about her hair and fashion almost as much as my wife does. How much do I care you ask? Well lets just say I care enough that I buzzed my beautiful daughters head when she was just six weeks old because I was convinced that her hair would grow out slow and uneven if I didn't.



Now I figure my wife does her hair 95% of the time, so it's that 5% that I'm concerned about. So far I've been pretty lucky in the fact that Z's hair has remained short enough that I've been able to be semi successful in milking 21 months worth of the missionary comb over. Her hair is waaaay to long for that now. So rather than having my daughter grow up and look back in anger at pictures of herself as an eight-year-old girl with cute clothes and a comb over, I am taking preventative measures into my own hands. My wife has agreed to teach me a thing or two about a thing or two in regards to styling female hair.
Part of all this stems from unfortunate memories I have as a child watching helplessly as my father was forced in emergency situations to style my sister's hair. There was an unmistakable look of sheer panic, fear, and hopelessness in my poor father's face as he aimlessly did his best. Even at that tender age I knew something was definitely wrong, when he was finished It looked as though the east wind the prophet Isaiah once spoke of had landed directly on her head and was secured in place with half a can of Aqua Net.

Below is a picture of my sister and I from 1987 that I've appropriately named "Hey Celeste Can I Guess Who Styled Your Hair?"


Anyway, I will be giving random updates to show my progress. So without further adieu here is my first attempt at styling my daughters hair. As you can tell by the look on her face she loves it.
Hey Daisy can I guess who styled your hair?