LOCAL HAMBURGER REVIEWS: FIVE GUYS BURGER AND FRIES

How much or how little you like Five Guys Burger and Fries will all depend on how diverse your burger experience currently is. If you are the type that frequently visits a variety of burger joints then you'll leave your first visit to Five Guys not all that impressed. The opposite is also true, if your regular burger routine is limited to Mcdonalds, Wendy's, and little else, then Five Guys may be your new best friend. In all of my many nerdy conversations about burger joints located in the state none is more polarizing than Five Guys. Five Guys Burger and Fries are the Dallas Cowboys of the burger world, either you love them or you hate them... I may be one of the few that is somewhere in the middle.



Like In-N-Out burger, Five Guys has a simplified menu making it extremely easy to order, which also means you send less time standing behind indecisive Dbags asking specifics on every item on the menu because they cant do the simple burger math in their head. Hmmmm lets see, it's called a Bacon Double Cheeseburger, my guess is that it probably consists of some bacon, two burger patties and cheese. For any further help please see the corresponding large detailed photo and description of the burger right next to it. Anyway, they also offer hotdogs and grilled cheese.
As soon as you enter Five Guys you're not sure if you have just entered a fast food restaurant or the Barnum & Bailey circus. Upon entering you will notice huge tubs of peanuts and peanut shells strewn across every inch of the store, basically it looks like an enormous peanut bomb went off moments before your arrival. So again it is one of those things, if you are a peanut lover that loves free peanuts you will be in hog heaven. If you are like me and don't really care for peanuts or have a peanut allergy it's a huge turn off. It has been months since my last visit and I'm still picking small pieces of peanut shrapnel out of my body.



One of the best things about Five Guys is the wide variety of free toppings and sauces they offer. The burger and fries themselves aren't too bad either, the burgers are big and juicy and the portion sizes are huge. Then again you also end up spending a little more than you do at most fast food restaurants as well. Though contrary to common belief it's safe to say I didn't love the burger, but I didn't hate it either. Overall I would say Five Guys is good, not great.
I would also say If nothing else Five Guys is a good change of pace and break from the typical burger experience and it is more than worth checking out to see if you are a Dallas Cowboys fan or not.



FIVE GUYS BURGERS AND FRIES
CATEGORY: FAST FOOD
SPECIALITY BURGER: 13 OUT OF 20
CHEESEBURGER: 14 OUT OF 20
TOPPINGS: 5 OUT OF 5
BURGER SMELL: 1 OUT OF 2
GREASE FACTOR: 3 OUT OF 5
Z’S BUN RATING: 2.5 OUT OF 5
PORTION SIZE: 4 OUT OF 5
FRIES: OUT 3 OUT OF 5
PRICE: OUT 2 OUT OF 5
PORTION SIZE VS. PRICE OVERALL SCORE: 6 OUT OF 10
AFTERMATH: 4.5 OUT OF 10
OVERALL ATMOSPHERE: 5.5 OUT OF 10
FINAL OVERALL SCORE: 63.5 OUT OF 100
THE MRS. RATING: C+
KNUCKLE POP RATING: C-

LOCAL HAMBURGER REVIEWS: IN-N-OUT BURGER

If you are anything like me you went through the Utah public schooling system having gone through the In-N-Out experience more times than you care to remember. It usually went something along the lines of this: Within minutes of returning to your locker from winter break two things happened 1. You quickly came to the realization that you had no freaking clue what your locker combination was. And 2. You were excitedly approached by one of the countless kids that had just returned to school from winter break proudly wearing one of those In-N-Out Burger t-shirts that featured a drawing of old classic cars parked under some palm trees at an In-N-Out, bragging nonstop about their family trip to California and Disneyland. You knew the bragging was never officially complete until they rattled off on these lines “Oh, yeah we also went to In-N-Out Burger 3 or 4 times! It’s sooooo amazing! You can’t go to California without eating at In-N-Out. My dad even brought some on the plane in his carry-on so we could have In-N-Out in Utah!”



It was nice because I could always share in the joy and excitement with them since my family vacations were pretty much the exact same. Only instead of wearing an In-N-Out t-shirt, I had on my brother Josh’s two sizes too big hand-me-down long sleeve shirt that may or may not have been made out of an american flag with a collar and two buttons sewn on for good measure; and rather than going through all the trouble of flying to sunny California, all seven of us instead hit the road to such exotic locations as Coalville & St. George, Utah. We happily crammed into the bench seats of “The Blue Hornet” aka a rust covered 1987 Plymouth Voyager minivan with absolutely no rear shocks seen here. I could usually be found comfortably wedged between my younger (but, not smaller) brother Chris sitting spread eagle in shorts & my brother Josh who to put it extremely gently was well known to be very generous in the passing of his air. Oh yeah, and instead of In-N-Out we ate Easy Cheese from a can and lunch meat from a travel cooler. So yeah, other than those small differences, we pretty much had identical family trips.




So as you can see, from all the dorks at school to the theatre scene in The Big Lebowski, for as far back as I can remember, I’ve been hearing nonstop In-N-Out hype. Thanks again to Chadder’s we didn’t have to travel far for our review. At eight o'clock on a random Tuesday night we went to one of eight locations that have opened up all over Utah the last year and a half, and waited in line behind close to twenty seemingly trendy people, on what I can only assume had to be their regular nightly routine. The drive-thru was backed up around the corner, only further adding to the In-N-Out hype machine.
When we finally got the chance to order I was pleasantly surprised with how simple, straightforward and basic their menu was, and with that said, In-N-Out may very well win the title for best menu and menu design of all 50+ menus we've reviewed. Though I can also see how the menu could just as easily be underwhelming and frustrating for those looking for more options and variety. I guess I am apart of the class that would much rather have a fast food chain offer a select few specialized items that they make really well rather than have a menu loaded with mediocre options. Keep in mind besides the the trendiness factor there are also quite a few quirky, border line idiotic things to recognize. For instance besides their regular menu In-N-Out offers a "Secret Menu" in which customers that are in the know can ask for their order to be "Animal Style" or "Protein Style". Also customers that wish to further cement the fact that they have more appetite than friends can covertly ask for additional items only offered on the "Secret Menu" like the "3x3" or "4x4". So if you just asked yourself "So isn't In-N-Out's "Secret Menu" basically just a pathetically sad, antisocial speakeasy for the self-important?" The answer is yes.





So did In-N-Out live up to the unbelievable hype? No, but that doesn't mean that it was terrible either. The burgers are exceptional, and rank among the highest we reviewed. The toppings, cheese, and toasted bun are as impressive as any we've reviewed. The toppings are uniquely placed near the bottom of the hamburger just above the bottom bun as apposed to the common, traditional method of placing the toppings on top of the burger just below the top bun. Despite the comatose feeling after effects I refer to as aftermath (made famous by Mcdonalds), and the lackluster fries. In-N-Out deserves a ton of credit for maintaining an old fashioned look and feel from the products themselves, to the dinning area and employee uniforms. As with anything that over hyped it would be nearly impossible for In-N-Out to live up to and deliver on all the enormous expectations it had built up.
I was recently talking to my dad about some of his experiences traveling all over the United States playing fast pitch softball and the different places he'd eaten at. I told him I was reviewing In-N-Out Burger and before I could say anything else he said "In-N-Out is really big in California, I'd heard a lot about in playing tournaments out there. Julie (my stepmom) and I went there and didn't really think all that much of it, it didn't really live up to all the build up I'd heard so much about." He went on to say, "I could see if you grew up like I did and went straight from eating boiled liver and food without spices straight to eating at In-N-Out than yeah, I could see why everyone spoke so highly of it. I was disappointed, I didn't get the miraculous, spiritual experience I was promised."
It all stems from Utahns love and obsession for anything, and all things California. Which if you asked me all can be traced back to July 24, 1847 were Brigham Young sick and tired of being sick and tired while riding cross country in a filthy, diseased filled, covered wagon; exits his covered wagon In a sick, delirious state and prematurely declares "It is enough. This is the right place." Not realizing he is actually in The Salt Lake Valley not Malibu, California. I digress...
It's important to remember and make perfectly clear even though In-N-Out Burger unfortunately falls victim to its greatest asset (the hype machine and word of mouth), it still remains one of the best fast food chains we have access to here in Utah and it's well worth your time, money, and effort to skip your usual unconscionable stop at Mcdonalds and get in line with everyone else at your local In-N-Out.



IN-N-OUT BURGER
CATEGORY: FAST FOOD
SPECIALITY BURGER/ DOUBLE-DOUBLE: 13 OUT OF 20
CHEESEBURGER: 17.5 OUT OF 20
TOPPINGS: 4 OUT OF 5
BURGER SMELL: 2 OUT OF 2
GREASE FACTOR: 2.5 OUT OF 5
Z’S BUN RATING: 4 OUT OF 5
PORTION SIZE: 3 OUT OF 5
FRIES: OUT 1.5 OUT OF 5
PRICE: OUT 4 OUT OF 5
PORTION SIZE VS. PRICE OVERALL SCORE: 7 OUT OF 10
AFTERMATH: 4.5 OUT OF 10
OVERALL ATMOSPHERE: 8 OUT OF 10
FINAL OVERALL SCORE: 72 OUT OF 100
THE MRS. RATING: B+
KNUCKLE POP RATING: A-

LOCAL HAMBURGER REVIEWS: CHADDER'S

After months of painstaking research and preparation the time to talk burgers is finally at hand. The year is now finished, the ballots have been cast, and the chads have been dimpled. As previously stated, my wife, my daughter, and myself spent the entire year of 2010 traveling near and far to over 50 different acclaimed local, and not so local restaurants and burger joints taking notes, throwing caution and calorie intake to the wind, and putting our bodies into harms way so that you can continue to go to your same, ordinary, boring, convenient, less than average, fast food places that you've always gone to.. I just hope you now do so feeling somewhat guilty knowing that you could be going somewhere much better.



You may find yourself asking "What is Chadder's and where is it located?" My answer to that would be: "Exactly."
I hate to start off the first review with sad news, but unfortunately Chadder's is no longer with us.
Chadder's was a good restaurant, and a good pioneer. It was one of us. It was a restaurant that loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a fast food chain it explored the greater part of Utah, from Provo to American Fork and... up to... West Valley. It died.. it died as so many young burger joints of its generation, before its time.
In your wisdom Lord you took it, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Chadder's. Chadder's, who loved bowling.
And so, Chadder's Holdings LLC, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Great Salt Lake, which you loved so well... Good night, sweet prince.



Though Chadder's is gone it is certainly not forgotten. In fact, Its long lasting effects can still be felt all over Utah. For those of you that now enjoy eating at In-N-Out on a regular basis, you may very well have Chadder's to thank for that. To further emphasize my point I may need to rely on a small dose of hyperbole.
Chadder's was the Jackie Robinson of fast food restaurants here in Utah. As the story goes Chadder's opened in American Fork in 2007 and was basically the Western Family version of In-N-Out. The Menu was the same, the building and dining room area was the same, the colors and employees uniforms were the same, and more importantly the food was the same.. only better. To seal the deal it even made available in abundance a Utah favorite that In-N-Out doesn't offer... Fry Sauce! And plenty of it.



Apparently a bunch of douchebags and dorks started calling and writing In-N-Out asking if they were related to Chadder's. That may be my favorite part of the story. Yes honor student, of course they're affiliated, but rather than use their overly successful, famous business name they decided to open a restaurant in an obscure location in American Fork, Utah and call it Chadder's. Besides that small, meaningless detail everything else is exactly the same. Some people with more time than sense, even wrote them calling Chadder's rip offs and were so upset that they had to be consoled.
Eventually In-N-Out flew their VP out to check out the commotion and within a month or two filed a lawsuit against Chadder's for copyright infringement, and wouldn't you know... it made plans to finally open an In-N-Out less than one mile away from Chadder's and eventually other In-N-Out locations started popping up all over Utah. So after In-N-Out spent 60 plus years of Utah free business it may very well have been Chadder's that awoke the sleeping giant enough to get them to come to Utah.. And for that we thank you.
After continuing business and even expanding over the last three years, in May of 2010 Chadder's sadly closed its doors for business a final time.





CHADDER'S
CATEGORY: FAST FOOD
SPECIALITY BURGER/ "THE HAT TRICK": 15 OUT OF 20
CHEESEBURGER: 16.5 OUT OF 20
TOPPINGS: 2.5 OUT OF 5
BURGER SMELL: 2 OUT OF 2
GREASE FACTOR: 3 OUT OF 5
Z’S BUN RATING: 4 OUT OF 5
PORTION SIZE: 2.5 OUT OF 5
FRIES: 2.5 OUT OF 5
PRICE: 2.5 OUT OF 5
PORTION SIZE VS. PRICE OVERALL SCORE: 5 OUT OF 10
AFTERMATH: 6 OUT OF 10
OVERALL ATMOSPHERE: 7 OUT OF 10
FINAL OVERALL SCORE: 69.5 OUT OF 100
THE MRS. RATING: B
KNUCKLE POP RATING: A-

LOCAL HAMBURGER REVIEWS

After a month off to study for my insurance exam I am back and as promised I am ready to talk burgers.



LOCAL HAMBURGER REVIEWS

Twenty three years ago I went with my father and older brother on a trip to Moab Utah, a mistake that I am still paying for all these many years later. It was 1987 and everyone and their little brother was trying their hand at the fast food business and hamburger joints were popping up all over the place. As with any lengthy road trip, hunger had gotten the best of me. Besides being a skinny seven-year-old, I had the metabolism of a small hummingbird, a good old fashion case of ADHD, and an appetite for destruction.



So upon our arrival to Moab I may or may not have told my loving father from the back seat that “I was hungry enough to eat a grown mans A*#”. We stopped at the hotel, unpacked our things, and drove on looking to have a memorable dinner and some local novelty diner. If I had only known what was about to take place I would have done myself a favor and walked directly into oncoming traffic. Though I still can’t verbally speak of this event, luckily I have had enough years of counseling and therapy that I can now at least unfold the details in writing.
We carelessly selected a place called The Frosty Freeze and ran inside. While perusing the menu my dad nonchalantly said something about a Pizza Burger. The wheels in my seven-year-old brain started to turn. I thought to myself, “I love pizza and I love hamburgers, it’s the best of both worlds, it has to be amazing.” I was wrong. After just one bite I went white as a ghost and was sick as a dog. It was like taking one of those cheap frozen microwavable pizzas of the 80’s and combining it with a hamburger patty that was thrown on the grill frozen then charbroiled, overcooked, soaked in grease, and delightfully served between a day old hamburger bun.



I refused to eat another bite. My dad urged me to continue and said he’d take a bite if I took one more bite. I took another bite and immediately regretted it. While fading in and out of consciousness I can remember my dad foolishly taking a bite and being so repulsed by it that he walked over to the trash can and threw it away without saying a word. Keep in mind, this is the same man that grew up drinking buttermilk and eating liver, boiled ochre, and, no joke, peanut butter & Miracle Whip sandwiches on a regular basis. So it speaks volumes that in a family that was always taught to finish any and every meal that it was my dad that threw the Pizza Burger away. He offered to buy me something else, but I was far from hungry, in fact I wouldn’t eat for the next couple of days. I couldn’t sleep and spent the majority of the night and weekend in the hotel puking my guts out, and suffering from a severe bout that can best be described as vertigo with a side helping of compound testicle trauma.



On that fateful day I vowed to never let what happened to me ever happen to anyone else ever again. I never got a chance to picket or boycott the Pizza Burger because it was removed from the menu within a short time after. I can only speculate here, but I believe it was because of multiple major law suits. In 1995 The Frosty Freeze was thankfully turned into a Hogi Yogi, but that was just the tip of the iceberg for me and my mission to save every possible soul from a bad burger experience. Just because The Frosty Freeze has now been out of business for more than 15 years doesn’t mean I will ever be free from its far reaching grasp. For example, in the summer 2004 I was surfing off the coast of Oceanside, California and during a routine wipeout I must have banged my duodenum harder than usual causing some unprocessed Pizza Burger to be jarred lose from my common bile duct causing my mouth to fill with the taste. Suffice it to say, I nearly drowned.. and wished that I had. I still have recurring nightmares and randomly get untimely Pizza Burger hiccups that lead me to reviewing the suicide clause in my life insurance policy.



So for this very reason since the start of 2010, my wife, my daughter, and myself have been traveling near and far to over 50 different acclaimed local restaurants and burger joints taking notes, throwing caution and calorie intake to the wind, and putting our bodies into harms way so that you will hopefully never have to go through what I have gone through.
Below are the individual categories I will be using to score each establishment during my weekly ratings and reviews.

SPECIALITY BURGER:
CHEESEBURGER:
TOPPINGS:
GREASE FACTOR:
BUN RATING:
BURGER SMELL:
PORTION SIZE:
FRIES:
PRICE:
PORTION SIZE VS. PRICE OVERALL SCORE:
AFTERMATH:
OVERALL ATMOSPHERE:
FINAL OVERALL SCORE: