A FESTIVUS MIRACLE!

It's been a day or two since I made my last blog entry so I thought EFF IT! Now is as good of a time as any for an update. I have found Festivus to be a refreshing change of pace and break from the commercialism that is destroying Christmas. But instead of becoming one of those guys that grinds his gears and Bah! Humbugs about all that's wrong with Christmas, I'd rather put up an aluminum pole, send a close friend a donation certificate to the Human Fund, put on my favorite discount cashmere sweater, and talk about one of my favorite things about Christmas.. The music & movies.

Every December I make a Christmas playlist for that year. Originally the idea was basically to become Denzel Washington in American Gangster and make a 100% pure, 151, white sugar (that's drug lingo for any of you that aren't from the mean streets or Orem, Utah), playlist. To put it pleasantly I had to sift through and sort a compost heap worth of below average Christmas songs that took more hours than I care to divoulge. All with the intent to distribute & circulate a high end, unblemished, pure powder, white snow (again, it's an Orem thang), Christmas playlist to all my friends and family each year.
It all came down to the fact that I was sick of listening to the radio and hearing one classic song or carol sandwiched in between thirty minutes of poppycock. So for my own serenity and as a gift to others during this the most wonderful time of the year, I will share with you the Knucklepop 2010 Christmas playlist along with discussing a few select Christmas songs.

THE LIST
1. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town, Bruce Springsteen
2. Christmas All Over Again, Tom Petty
3. This Christmas, Donny Hathaway
4. The Christmas Song, Dave Matthews Band
5. Holly Jolly Christmas, Burt Ives
6. 2000 Miles, Coldplay
7. Last Christmas, Wham
8. Father Christmas, The Kinks
9. Little Saint Nick, The Beach Boys
10. Christmas For Cowboys, John Denver
11. Step Into Christmas, Elton John
12. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Bing Crosby
13. The Fist Noel, Crash Test Dummies
14. Go Tell It On The Mountain, James Taylor
15. Silver Bells, Anne Murray
16. Joseph, Better You Than Me, The Killers
17. We Wish You A Merry Christmas, Perry Como
18. Christmas Wrapping, The Waitresses
19. I Saw Three Ships, Sting
20. Oi To The World, No Doubt
21. Wonderful Christmastime, Paul McCartney
22. We Need A Little Christmas, Johnny Mathis
23. God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman, Mannheim Steamroller
24. Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You, Billy Squire
25. What Christmas Means To Me, Stevie Wonder
26. Here Comes Santa Claus, Gene Autry
27. All I Want For Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey
28. Christmastime, Smashing Pumpkins
29. Do They Know Its Christmas Time, Band Aid
30. Christmas Auld Lang Syne, Bobby Darin


POPULAR CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT WILL NEVER MAKE THE LIST

Baby It's Cold Outside, Dean Martin
Classic Christmas song or date rape set to music? You be the judge.
I wonder if this Is how Dean and the Rat Pack use to close the deal back before roofies were around and easily accessible to bearded men. It's crazy how popular this horrific, creepy, Christmas song has gotten. The worst part is this is only act one of the song!
In act two his persistence pays off, after he successfully persuades (forces) her to stay, he then goes right into singing "Baby it's Hot Inside". This time around he is now singing that due to the high temperature inside he highly recommends she start removing articles of clothing, and yep, you guessed it, he doesn't take no for an answer. Act three, I think we all know where this is going. I'll let you do the math and figure out how this time honored Christmas classic ends.
Just remember kids NO means NO.



My Grown Up Christmas List, Amy Grant
Hey Amy, wake the H! up! Grow up, quit dreaming, and don't forget to pay your rent. I like the less sappy, less depressing, better written, version of this song so much better.. It's called "Happy Xmas War Is Over" by John Lennon.



Merry Christmas Darling, The Carpenters
Karen Carpenter's voice = nails on the chalkboard. Right off the bat let me just say that I realize this selection is one of the more controversial of the group. This Christmas album played nonstop in my house growing up. I thought it was terrible then and it's even worse now. For any of you sitting on the fence about this one, may I kindly remind you, this song features the lyric "In my dreams I'm Christmasing with you".
My grown up Christmas wish is that Karen would have decided to quit eating before this song and album ever came out. Oh, and by the way, merry Christmas :)




Christmas Through Your Eyes, Gloria Estefan
What if instead of changing their name from Miami Sound Machine to Gloria Estefan in 1989 they had actually all died in a fiery bus accident while touring?!



Mary Did You Know, Kenny Rogers & Wynonna Judd
Luke 1:26-33. Trust me, she knew.



Blue Christmas, Elvis Presley
It's mind boggling to think this song has sucked for over 50 years. Yet I have to listen to It on the radio multiple times a day every December.



STRAP ME TO THE YULE LOG, ROAST MY CHESTNUTS, AND LIGHT ME ON FIRE LIST

Jingle Bells, Barbra Streisand
If only she were Jewish, we would have never had to fall victim to this seasonal ear raping. After all, a Jew would never make a Christmas album right? It just wouldn't happen, I mean it wouldn't make any sense.
This song is not only in the lead and the clear-cut favorite in competition for worst Christmas song ever, but it's also on the short list of competition for the worst song ever made.
Anyway, I would say more, but I'm currently busy listening to my Babs, Neil Diamond, Kenny G aka Kenny Gorelick, and Elliott Yamin Christmas CD's.



Christmas Shoes, Newsong
If I never hear this song again it will be too soon. If you'll excuse me, even the cheerful optimist inside me can't stomach this song and will be busy filling a glass half empty full of vomit for the next four minutes and forty-eight seconds.



Next year: Christmas Movies

THE KING OF POP: ONE YEAR LATER

Today marks the one year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death; and now that the all the irritating, juvenile, and trendy Mj buzz has died down it may be okay to watch a few videos in his memory.

Again, I realize every time John Mayer opens his mouth he makes it impossible to like him or his music, but there is no getting past the fact that his amazing performance of Human Nature was the single best performance of the entire Michael Jackson memorial service.




Does this cover of Beat It feature a face melting Eddie Van Halen guitar solo like the original? No.
Does it contain a man with a mullet, Fedora, mustache, pockmarks, long A! fingernails, an acoustic guitar, and a semi-creepy, rouge colored, crushed velvet backdrop? Yes.




This next video features what may be the greatest and only love song ever written to a whale in the history of mankind. Is it also one of my favorite MJ songs? No comment.



PS. How is it okay that Michael Jackson wore white socks with black shoes and black pants?

ALBUM REVIEW: ANDREW W.K.: I GET WET

Have you recently read Rolling Stone Magazine's top 100 albums of the decade and wondered where in the H! Andrew W.K.'s "I Get Wet" is on the list? Well that makes three of us (my five-year-old nephew Taj loves this album and has confided in me that I Get Wet is his new favorite album). Besides being one of the greatest album covers of the decade, it is also an album that more than deserves to be on the list of top 100 albums of the decade. I purchased this album in 2003 as part joke, part curiosity, and part guilty pleasure. At first glance it is easy to discriminate and dismiss this album as rubbish and a waste of time, but upon further listening, this album is a complete and utter anomaly, there is nothing else quite like it. Don't make the mistake of judging this album by its cover.



Much like Tom Waits, or Daniel Johnston, Andrew W.K. is either an idiot savant or just a plain idiot; it's near impossible to find a middle ground. With song titles such as "It's Time to Party", "Party Hard", "Party til You Puke", "Fun Night", and "We Want Fun",
it might as well have a bright orange sticker on the cover that says "best served with alchohol" or "buy me frat-boy". Though, look a little closer and you will find an album that's underlining theme is pure, unadulterated optimism. In fact, when he's not partying til he pukes he can be found spending his free time as a motivational speaker and self-help specialist. Andrew W.K. isn't Ernest Hemingway, Nelson Mandella, or Stephen Hawking, he is however "The Prince of Party", "The Chancellor of Fun", and the architect and founder of the music genre called Partycore. I mean who doesn't want an adrenaline filled album that features karate chopping drum fills, hamstring pulling guitar riffs, mindless lyrics, and the use of the word party 65 times, and the word fun 67 times, all while containing only one single curse word?
This album is perfect for working out/running, parties, mosh pits, smashing a table to pieces, or some late night non-drowsy driving. It's even the perfect cure for a bad day or background music to key your ex's car to. I Get Wet is just another example of the fertile Michigan music scene and an album that will quickly show up on your guilty pleasures list if it isn't already on there. It is a cult classic that Pitchfork and Rhapsody among others are now finally giving it the respect it deserves.


PLEASE MOVE ANY NEARBY FURNITURE BEFORE PRESSING PLAY!

Can you count how many times the word "fun" is used?

For the ladies and the more sensitive of men here is an Andrew W.K. cover song

HITTING THE LINKS

Entertainment Weekly ranks the 100 greatest characters of the last 20 years. How does arguably the greatest TV character of all time, George Costanza, not make the top ten?! He was left off the list completely.
There are so many things wrong with list it deserves its own blog.

-Do you want to be reminded how much you hate grocery shopping? I am probably the last to find out about this website, but for those of you who have no soul here you go.


-Can't get enough Tracy Mogan/ Jordan? Me either, Here is everything he said on 30 Rock this season.

-Much like Kanye West, I realize John Mayer has made it nearly impossible to like him. Maybe, just maybe, since this is a Bruce Springsteen song we can rationalize and say it is okay to listen to just this once.



-After 3 long years after the release of one of the greatest albums of the decade, 2007's Neon Bible, Arcade Fire's new album comes out Aug. 2.


-Have you ever wanted to know the exact specs of John Malkovich's home made plastic gun he used for his attempt to assassinate the President in the movie In the Line of Fire? How about any other gun in any other movie for that matter? Well thanks to this website you will want no longer. It is just like IMDB.com, only it focuses on the instruments of death you originally paid to see before that whole plot thing got in the way and ruined the experience.




-Apparently The Utah Jazz still quite haven't found the white player they are looking for yet. My favorite part of the article is in the title: "Utah Jazz might surprise..."

-Have you seen these abominations?


I think the rough translation of this ad is: "Now dead beat dads can receive pictures of their daughters classing up our city streets with short shorts at an even earlier age". I've been saying for years that it's never too early for a young, impressionable, child to start wearing Daisy Duke jeans. Upon reading this blog, if you find yourself saying, "I have to get these for my baby", do me a favor and add TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras to your DVR right now. Also lovingly explain to your child that you won't be seeing them in heaven.

LISTEN UP

CURRENT CONCEPT ALBUMS TO CONCEIVE
Five modern concept albums you need to listen to that never got the attention or admiration they should have.

- BECK SEA CHANGE (2002)


- WEEZER PINKERTON (1996)


- KANYE WEST 808S & HEARTBREAK (2008)


- THE KILLERS SAM'S TOWN (2006)


- RYAN ADAMS ROCK N ROLL (2003)

AN ALTERNATIVE TO COUNTRY

For years I have loathed all things country music. I once almost broken-bottle stabbed a man over it. Because of Hank Williams Sr., Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson and even Bob Dylan, I knew that the core of country was actually a pretty good, authentic form of music. Unfortunately it got derailed and sent the wrong way on a suicide collision course straight to the belly of hell by the likes of Shania Twain, Wynonna Judd, Brooks & Dunn, Shania Twain, Diamond Rio, Faith Hill, George Costanza... I mean Kenny Chesney, Shania Twain, and of course Tim McGraw. Did I mention Shania Twain? Since the 90’s, country music has been plenty of adjectives including appalling, comical, repugnant, and even terrible. Notice good wasn’t one of the adjectives used.
Country music has a funny way of recognizing the very worst in the genre. 99% of what is released is undeniably bad, but if you put out a song that is so offensive, so tasteless, so vile, and so unforgivably bad, the song is actually awarded with a line dance in its honor. So if you were too busy listening to quality, worthwhile music during the 90’s it's never too late to learn how to do the "Boot Scootin' Boogie". Or how about the "Achy Breaky Heart"? What's that you say? You never learned the "Chattahoochee" or “The Watermelon Crawl”?! Now is your chance!

Country music is so mixed up that one of its top acts, Tim McGraw, writes virtually none of his own songs! After extensive research I'm aware of only one song that he is credited for writing. It can be found listed on the highly successful "Flicka" soundtrack. He only has 3 or 4 more songs that he is even listed as a co-writer. So what's my point? He is no better than any other industry hired face & voice like Britney Spears or the thousands of other tools that don't write their own songs. They should labeled "puppet" instead of "artist".
His wife Faith Hill is just as bad in this department. In fact, pop and country music are the worst when it comes to this infraction. I would say the majority of artists in country music and a huge portion of those in pop music don’t write their own songs. Seriously how hard is it to write a country song?! Pick any random piece of anecdotal advice you've ever received and butcher it so its almost unrecognizable.
For example:
I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'.
Now add a pointless limerick preferably about your ex or pickup truck. Though any southern, white trashy reference will do, add a steel guitar, and/or fiddle, and prepare to sell it to a country act that can sing with an annoying twangy accident. Congratulations! Whether you like it or not you have just written yourself a country song.


Honestly, you should be listening to Alternative Country (Alt-country) artists that write their own songs like Ryan Adams, (not to be confused with Bryan Adams), and Wilco. I would also recommend My Morning Jacket, Whiskeytown, Uncle Tupelo, Son Volt, and Beck's album Sea Change. Ryan Adams and Wilco are everything good about country without any of the disgusting byproducts. I will happily honor any and all requests to put on CD any Ryan Adams and Wilco albums for all that desire. Leave a comment or send me an Email. knucklepop@gmail.com

*Today Willie Nelson has cut off his trade mark pigtail braids


to feature a way more masculine "Bob cut".


*Is it possible to make a cover song better than the original? I don't know the answer to that question, but what I do know is a heavy set, ginger bearded, white guy covering Outkast's "Hey Ya" should not be this good.

*Speaking of Ryan Adams and cover songs that may be better than the original, this is worth your time.

*Are you a Beck fan? Are you an INXS fan? Beck's Record Club may be up your alley.

*Not usually a fan of the Dave Mathews Band I was watching Austin City Limits the other night and came across this halfway decent song called "Why I Am".