A FESTIVUS MIRACLE!

It's been a day or two since I made my last blog entry so I thought EFF IT! Now is as good of a time as any for an update. I have found Festivus to be a refreshing change of pace and break from the commercialism that is destroying Christmas. But instead of becoming one of those guys that grinds his gears and Bah! Humbugs about all that's wrong with Christmas, I'd rather put up an aluminum pole, send a close friend a donation certificate to the Human Fund, put on my favorite discount cashmere sweater, and talk about one of my favorite things about Christmas.. The music & movies.

Every December I make a Christmas playlist for that year. Originally the idea was basically to become Denzel Washington in American Gangster and make a 100% pure, 151, white sugar (that's drug lingo for any of you that aren't from the mean streets or Orem, Utah), playlist. To put it pleasantly I had to sift through and sort a compost heap worth of below average Christmas songs that took more hours than I care to divoulge. All with the intent to distribute & circulate a high end, unblemished, pure powder, white snow (again, it's an Orem thang), Christmas playlist to all my friends and family each year.
It all came down to the fact that I was sick of listening to the radio and hearing one classic song or carol sandwiched in between thirty minutes of poppycock. So for my own serenity and as a gift to others during this the most wonderful time of the year, I will share with you the Knucklepop 2010 Christmas playlist along with discussing a few select Christmas songs.

THE LIST
1. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town, Bruce Springsteen
2. Christmas All Over Again, Tom Petty
3. This Christmas, Donny Hathaway
4. The Christmas Song, Dave Matthews Band
5. Holly Jolly Christmas, Burt Ives
6. 2000 Miles, Coldplay
7. Last Christmas, Wham
8. Father Christmas, The Kinks
9. Little Saint Nick, The Beach Boys
10. Christmas For Cowboys, John Denver
11. Step Into Christmas, Elton John
12. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Bing Crosby
13. The Fist Noel, Crash Test Dummies
14. Go Tell It On The Mountain, James Taylor
15. Silver Bells, Anne Murray
16. Joseph, Better You Than Me, The Killers
17. We Wish You A Merry Christmas, Perry Como
18. Christmas Wrapping, The Waitresses
19. I Saw Three Ships, Sting
20. Oi To The World, No Doubt
21. Wonderful Christmastime, Paul McCartney
22. We Need A Little Christmas, Johnny Mathis
23. God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman, Mannheim Steamroller
24. Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You, Billy Squire
25. What Christmas Means To Me, Stevie Wonder
26. Here Comes Santa Claus, Gene Autry
27. All I Want For Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey
28. Christmastime, Smashing Pumpkins
29. Do They Know Its Christmas Time, Band Aid
30. Christmas Auld Lang Syne, Bobby Darin


POPULAR CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT WILL NEVER MAKE THE LIST

Baby It's Cold Outside, Dean Martin
Classic Christmas song or date rape set to music? You be the judge.
I wonder if this Is how Dean and the Rat Pack use to close the deal back before roofies were around and easily accessible to bearded men. It's crazy how popular this horrific, creepy, Christmas song has gotten. The worst part is this is only act one of the song!
In act two his persistence pays off, after he successfully persuades (forces) her to stay, he then goes right into singing "Baby it's Hot Inside". This time around he is now singing that due to the high temperature inside he highly recommends she start removing articles of clothing, and yep, you guessed it, he doesn't take no for an answer. Act three, I think we all know where this is going. I'll let you do the math and figure out how this time honored Christmas classic ends.
Just remember kids NO means NO.



My Grown Up Christmas List, Amy Grant
Hey Amy, wake the H! up! Grow up, quit dreaming, and don't forget to pay your rent. I like the less sappy, less depressing, better written, version of this song so much better.. It's called "Happy Xmas War Is Over" by John Lennon.



Merry Christmas Darling, The Carpenters
Karen Carpenter's voice = nails on the chalkboard. Right off the bat let me just say that I realize this selection is one of the more controversial of the group. This Christmas album played nonstop in my house growing up. I thought it was terrible then and it's even worse now. For any of you sitting on the fence about this one, may I kindly remind you, this song features the lyric "In my dreams I'm Christmasing with you".
My grown up Christmas wish is that Karen would have decided to quit eating before this song and album ever came out. Oh, and by the way, merry Christmas :)




Christmas Through Your Eyes, Gloria Estefan
What if instead of changing their name from Miami Sound Machine to Gloria Estefan in 1989 they had actually all died in a fiery bus accident while touring?!



Mary Did You Know, Kenny Rogers & Wynonna Judd
Luke 1:26-33. Trust me, she knew.



Blue Christmas, Elvis Presley
It's mind boggling to think this song has sucked for over 50 years. Yet I have to listen to It on the radio multiple times a day every December.



STRAP ME TO THE YULE LOG, ROAST MY CHESTNUTS, AND LIGHT ME ON FIRE LIST

Jingle Bells, Barbra Streisand
If only she were Jewish, we would have never had to fall victim to this seasonal ear raping. After all, a Jew would never make a Christmas album right? It just wouldn't happen, I mean it wouldn't make any sense.
This song is not only in the lead and the clear-cut favorite in competition for worst Christmas song ever, but it's also on the short list of competition for the worst song ever made.
Anyway, I would say more, but I'm currently busy listening to my Babs, Neil Diamond, Kenny G aka Kenny Gorelick, and Elliott Yamin Christmas CD's.



Christmas Shoes, Newsong
If I never hear this song again it will be too soon. If you'll excuse me, even the cheerful optimist inside me can't stomach this song and will be busy filling a glass half empty full of vomit for the next four minutes and forty-eight seconds.



Next year: Christmas Movies

LOCAL HAMBURGER REVIEWS

After a month off to study for my insurance exam I am back and as promised I am ready to talk burgers.



LOCAL HAMBURGER REVIEWS

Twenty three years ago I went with my father and older brother on a trip to Moab Utah, a mistake that I am still paying for all these many years later. It was 1987 and everyone and their little brother was trying their hand at the fast food business and hamburger joints were popping up all over the place. As with any lengthy road trip, hunger had gotten the best of me. Besides being a skinny seven-year-old, I had the metabolism of a small hummingbird, a good old fashion case of ADHD, and an appetite for destruction.



So upon our arrival to Moab I may or may not have told my loving father from the back seat that “I was hungry enough to eat a grown mans A*#”. We stopped at the hotel, unpacked our things, and drove on looking to have a memorable dinner and some local novelty diner. If I had only known what was about to take place I would have done myself a favor and walked directly into oncoming traffic. Though I still can’t verbally speak of this event, luckily I have had enough years of counseling and therapy that I can now at least unfold the details in writing.
We carelessly selected a place called The Frosty Freeze and ran inside. While perusing the menu my dad nonchalantly said something about a Pizza Burger. The wheels in my seven-year-old brain started to turn. I thought to myself, “I love pizza and I love hamburgers, it’s the best of both worlds, it has to be amazing.” I was wrong. After just one bite I went white as a ghost and was sick as a dog. It was like taking one of those cheap frozen microwavable pizzas of the 80’s and combining it with a hamburger patty that was thrown on the grill frozen then charbroiled, overcooked, soaked in grease, and delightfully served between a day old hamburger bun.



I refused to eat another bite. My dad urged me to continue and said he’d take a bite if I took one more bite. I took another bite and immediately regretted it. While fading in and out of consciousness I can remember my dad foolishly taking a bite and being so repulsed by it that he walked over to the trash can and threw it away without saying a word. Keep in mind, this is the same man that grew up drinking buttermilk and eating liver, boiled ochre, and, no joke, peanut butter & Miracle Whip sandwiches on a regular basis. So it speaks volumes that in a family that was always taught to finish any and every meal that it was my dad that threw the Pizza Burger away. He offered to buy me something else, but I was far from hungry, in fact I wouldn’t eat for the next couple of days. I couldn’t sleep and spent the majority of the night and weekend in the hotel puking my guts out, and suffering from a severe bout that can best be described as vertigo with a side helping of compound testicle trauma.



On that fateful day I vowed to never let what happened to me ever happen to anyone else ever again. I never got a chance to picket or boycott the Pizza Burger because it was removed from the menu within a short time after. I can only speculate here, but I believe it was because of multiple major law suits. In 1995 The Frosty Freeze was thankfully turned into a Hogi Yogi, but that was just the tip of the iceberg for me and my mission to save every possible soul from a bad burger experience. Just because The Frosty Freeze has now been out of business for more than 15 years doesn’t mean I will ever be free from its far reaching grasp. For example, in the summer 2004 I was surfing off the coast of Oceanside, California and during a routine wipeout I must have banged my duodenum harder than usual causing some unprocessed Pizza Burger to be jarred lose from my common bile duct causing my mouth to fill with the taste. Suffice it to say, I nearly drowned.. and wished that I had. I still have recurring nightmares and randomly get untimely Pizza Burger hiccups that lead me to reviewing the suicide clause in my life insurance policy.



So for this very reason since the start of 2010, my wife, my daughter, and myself have been traveling near and far to over 50 different acclaimed local restaurants and burger joints taking notes, throwing caution and calorie intake to the wind, and putting our bodies into harms way so that you will hopefully never have to go through what I have gone through.
Below are the individual categories I will be using to score each establishment during my weekly ratings and reviews.

SPECIALITY BURGER:
CHEESEBURGER:
TOPPINGS:
GREASE FACTOR:
BUN RATING:
BURGER SMELL:
PORTION SIZE:
FRIES:
PRICE:
PORTION SIZE VS. PRICE OVERALL SCORE:
AFTERMATH:
OVERALL ATMOSPHERE:
FINAL OVERALL SCORE:

FAN FILMS

I am pleased to introduce this blog's official advisor on all things relating to comics. He is a fully accredited comic book historian, theorist, and artist. He goes by the name of Clarks Bent. Most four-year-old children can barely hold a crayon, let alone use it. They usually end up with more crayon in their mouth than they ever do on their paper. By the age of five, Mr. Bent was drawing impeccable, fully detailed comic book superheroes on the wall... in permanent ink.



He could see past the standard linear lines that confine most artists and instead draw from angles rarely used or seen in comics. While most teenagers his age were spending their free time sleeping in, taking naps, watching TV, and playing video games, Clarks was busy reading whatever comic book he could get his hands on, analyzing it, and drawing it. He has always had a natural ability to dissect and actually critique comic book and graphic novels in a way that was way beyond his years. From as early on as I can remember he was incessantly hounding me to read key, influential, classic graphic novels like Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns, and Alan Moore’s Batman: The Killing Joke, and many others way before they were ever creating buzz. He is now in his early 30's and along with being a charter school principle he has recently received his masters degree and is currently working on a revised version of Superman Returns.



At the risk of being an immense inconvenience on his precious time I have asked for his cooperation on analyzing and reviewing a few fan films and he has graciously accepted. Over the next few weeks we will be evaluating a handful of quality made fan films, starting this week with the recently released Batman: City of Scars. Here is his official review:

- BATMAN: CITY OF SCARS (2010)



Let me preface this movie review by saying that if you have a low-budget movie, which all fan films are, it is almost impossible to do anything but a drama or a comedy. Since Batman is not comedy material it has to be a drama. For the movie to be a good drama, the actor, the director, and screen writers need to deeply understand the nature of the characters and who they are. This film missed the mark on all of the major characters in the film.
The movie begins with Joker’s escape from Arkham Asylum, and as usual, the death or hospitalization of one of the nurses. Batman is generally well played, (exempting the scenes as Bruce Wayne). He has the physique of Batman and the costume is well done. His voice is a match, almost Kevin Conroy-esque. The fighting scenes are well done considering the obvious low budget. However, City of Scars suffers from too much flatulent narration from Batman: “The City is lucky I have never crossed that line because if I did I would take all of Gotham with me.” Are you kidding me? I would take all of Gotham with me? Wow, when did Batman become a narcissistic moron? If he would have just shut his mouth he would have turned in a notable performance.
Batman is the type of person who sits there and carefully observes his surroundings and the people around him. When he decides to speak, what he says is important. He would even never think, let alone say, the mindless garbage he was saying in the movie. He says what he wants to say in a few words as mathematically possible, he does not drone on and on about what he is thinking.



The great Knucklepop himself suggested that maybe they were trying to emulate the thought bubbles in the comics. My response: there are some things that simply don’t translate into film, and thought bubbles are at the top of that list. They either have to narrate, which is difficult to pull off in a comic book movie, (is there any good comic movie that narrates?), or they have to include it into dialogue. Dialogue is the best way for a comic movie.
The Joker, on the other hand, turns in a performance that cannot and will never be forgotten, it is that bad. There is a scene early in the movie, which is presumably meant to define the Joker’s character, that is nearly unwatchable. The Joker is in front of a mirror mumbling to himself as he loads his gun. The creators of this disaster simply do not understand the nature of the Joker’s character. The Joker is a cold-blooded psychotic killer, who only dresses like a clown. He is not a clown, nor is he the jackass the actor played him as.



The Joker wants to destroy any semblance of established order. If you will allow me to tell a little story from my own life to emphasize my point: When my parents were going through a divorce I was an angry little boy and I wanted to lash out at the world around me. I had an art teacher that I did not particularly care for. I decided to make her a B*tch of the year award certificate. I snuck over, and stealthily posted it on her door where all of her students could see. It was on her door for three quarters of the day before someone took it off. It was a huge hit, everyone was talking about it. The teacher saw it and totally lost it in front of the class. She threatened to destroy the person who did it. She started accusing the usual suspects, (most of who were jerks anyways), as they were the ones who were most likely to do it. They profusely denied any involvement, but they began trying to figure out who would have to brass balls large enough to do something like that. It was the greatest thing they had ever seen. Who could have pulled this off?
While all this was going on I sat back and watched. I watched as the teacher frantically accused people of my villanry, I watched as she flinched every time someone knocked on her door, I watched as the “Stoners” squirmed under the heat of her accusations, I watched as they tried to figure out who is was, I watched as the teacher lost all credibility with the class and the class came apart. All I could do was watch and smile. Four years later my sister couldn’t figure out why her art teacher hated her so bad. “Sorry Sis.”
I did not give her a certificate because I wanted the credit for such cunning, but I did it because I wanted to create anarchy. I wanted to watch everything fall apart and smile as the world fell down around me. That is how the Joker views his world. He doesn’t want credit, he just wants to watch the world burn, and as your neighborhood pyro can tell you, that is why he laughs.



To see the “Clown Prince of Crime” reduced to mere comic relief made me sick. That being said, his costume and makeup were well done. He looked like the Joker in the Alex Ross art. His laugh was right on the mark. However, his dialogue was so overplayed, that it ruined his whole character. In the end, he suffers more from severe overacting and ignorance of the Joker’s nature than the fatal bullet wound delivered during the movie’s climax.



On a large scale, the movie was tolerable. It attempts to reach Batman dramatically by forcing him to relive his childhood but it is just that: forced. The dialogue and narration are detrimental to the movie as a whole and makes the movie nearly unwatchable. The movie does have some good scenes involving minor villains like Scarface and Victor Zsasz, who both turn in a very good performance. The Scarface dummy was really well done, both the doll and voice acting.
I give this movie a C-. It reminds me of one of my students who was asked to do a paper on Jefferson Davis and turned it in without including anything about his being President of the Confederate States of America. - Clarks Bent

THE MOUNT RUSHMORE OF BAD DANCE MUSIC VIDEOS

So You Think You Can Dance has inspired another Mount Rushmore list, this time featuring the very best of the very worst music videos that involve dancing. As a young boy that grew up in the 80's I've seen more than my fair share of bad music videos. Even worse, I've seen just as many terrible dance themed music videos. So since bad dance music videos deserves their own separate list, I give you "The Mt. Rushmore of Bad Dance Music Videos" list:



DAVID BOWIE & MICK JAGGER "DANCING IN THE STREETS"
It is never a good sign when a six-year-old kid comments to his siblings on how horrible the dancing in this music video is... The year was 1986 and I was that poor unfortunate six-year-old kid. After suffering through this video again, I have a few questions. I know this was made for Live Aid to raise money for Africa, but I have to know: Whose idea was it to make this music video?! As a connoisseur of music, I refuse to believe David Bowie or Mick Jagger had anything to do with it. It seems more reasonable to think they were both forced against their will at knife point by Bob Geldof & the needy children of Africa. I love the fact that Mick Jagger felt okay about taking a drink of soda pop (1:33) with cameras rolling mid video shoot while Ethiopian children everywhere were starving. It also leads me to ask: Was this video shot in one take? Well, one take or not, if you are anything like me, you'll find yourself watching this music video and repeatedly catch yourself saying, "The tension is killing me, kiss already!" The personal space barrier is breached pretty early and often in this video, so it begs the question: How long into filming was it before they accidentally had sex?
I still can't believe such a video exists. Arguably two of the most influential musicians of all time got together and this of all things was the outcome?! This would have been a career killer for almost any other music icons. The 80's had the same effect as crack cocaine: no matter the celebrity or musician, no one was safe; it nearly destroyed anything it touched.
So If a video was shot in a London dockland and 25 years later is nearly forgotten about, does it still exist?



ROD STEWART "SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK"
Some guys have all the luck and some guys should stick to singing. This video is a perfect example that it is never a good idea to do your own choreography, especially if you are Scottish and can't dance to begin with. Why, may I ask, is he wearing bright red, attention grabbing shoes? As if the dancing in this music video wasn't painfully unavoidable enough already, someone on set had to know within the first few minutes that this was going to be a colossally bad idea. After watching the on-set playback of this video in the making, even Rod must have known it wasn't a good idea pass on his genetic code. The "dancing" in this video is so stiff and uncoordinated that Rod Stewart makes Ronald Miller aka Dr. McDreamy look like Fred Astaire. On that note, if I never see this music video again it will be too soon.



BILLY SQUIRE "ROCK ME TONIGHT"
If this is your first time seeing this video I apologize on behalf of myself and Billy Squire. I think I will keep all of my many thoughts to myself on this one, the pink satin tank top speaks for itself.



DAVID HASSELHOFF "HOOKED ON A FEELING"
Pure visual ipecac. Wearing an Eskimo suit and jumping with Aborigines?! Seriously?! How did Green Screen Technology ever survive this hijacking? Do German's still love David Hasselhoff? The guy has a hard enough time eating a hamburger. How was it ever a good idea to have him no-hand-standing a motorcycle, let alone letting "The Hoff" get in front of a green screen?



DISHONORABLE MENTION:

JOURNEY "SEPARATE WAYS (WORLDS APART)"
When it comes down to it there just isn't enough dancing in this video to justify putting it on the list.



HONORABLE MENTION:

FAT BOY SLIM "WEAPON OF CHOICE" (FEATURING CHRISTOPHER WALKEN)
This music video should be used as the blueprint for all future dance videos. It has to rank up there with "Thriller" as one of the greatest dance music videos of all time.



"You're talking to me all wrong... It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that!"

SO YOU WISH YOU WERE DEAD QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Why are the wives of America so insistent on destroying their precious husband's health and will to live week after week? It seems like the ultimate oxymoron: they get baby hungry and constantly want more children, yet they turn a blind eye to the well documented fact that the Mayo Clinic lists the viewing of So You Think You Can Dance as the number one offender on the list of things that will make you sterile.
So thanks to my dear, sweet, loving, selfless wife I am now on fertility medication and have to endure the constant bombardment of So You Think You Can Dance to my home television, sacred DVR space, sanity, and most importantly, my soul. So after nearly being driven to the bottle, I am fighting back in the only way I know how. I have been stockpiling quotes and will be adding a weekly "So You Wish You Were Dead Quote of The Week" section to my blog. Here is this weeks quote:

"This dance is crazy, crazy, fast. It's about two mystical creatures who one moment in a year become human and rejoice!"

REDBOX RENTAL REVIEW OF THE WEEK: THE CRAZIES

In a genre that has become chalk-full of laughably bad, second-rate, worthless, generic films, finding a quality horror movie is extremely difficult to come by. In fact, even finding a simple, run-of-the-mill, average horror film is becoming just as equally hard to find; but if you've got a dollar to your name, a Redbox location nearby, and an itch for the ordinary, then I've got just the mediocre horror movie for you.
The Crazies is a remake of the 1973 film of the same name about a small farm town in Iowa trapped between the outbreak of homicidal lunacy and military madness. The film doesn't seem consciously set out to buck the common themes and trends of typical horror movies, but it doesn't necessarily subscribe to them either. The film wisely opens with one of the most haunting and enthralling scenes in the entire movie. As a sign of things to come, a "Crazy" interrupts a children's little league baseball game by wandering into the outfield armed with a rifle. Things progressively get worse as the outbreak continues. The plot is as simplistic and basic as you will find, even for horror movie standards, but it is executed in a way that still manages to keep you entertained.
Timothy Olyphant (HBO's Deadwood, Live Free or Die Hard) plays Sheriff David Dutton, a man shouldering the large burden of protecting his town, family, and friends, all while trying to solve and make sense of the recent pandemonium. With only his wife and deputy Russell as allies, they do all they can to survive the chase as they set out to find refuge in a not-so-nearby major city. The action is often and though the movie does stoop to using a few "cheap scares," it is by no means overloaded. As is the case with most horror films, the "F word" is forced into the dialogue every couple of scenes to the point of overkill, and the film could have benefited from more character development and backstories.
Overall you get what you pay for with The Crazies: it's an average, well shot, low budget, mindless, horror film. C-

The Crazies is rated R for blood, violence, and language.

MAN CRUSH OF THE MONTH: JUNE

JUNE 2010
JOEL MCHALE



Anytime you are discussing a topic as uncomfortable as "The Man Crush" I think it's best to keep it as brief as possible. So I intend to do just that, but aside from writing, producing, hosting and practically resurrecting one of the best and funniest shows on TV, (The Soup), Joel McHale has plenty other resume builders that make him worthy of this month's man crush. Here are some quick facts you may or may not know:



Joel Mchale stands 6'4" and was a walk-on tight end for The University of Washington Huskies football team.
He Is currently staring in a sitcom along side Chevy Chase called "Community" which is pretty funny and definitely worth checking out. (Thanks Seth & Chrissy)



With the exception of habitually wearing super slim ties he is one of the best, if not the best dressed host on television today.
Also in recent years he has gotten pretty ripped and now has pecks bigger than my head.



Joel should be considered the poster child for all men with thinning and or receding hairlines, (like myself), on how to embrace and style your hair.
In addition to all his other roles he is also a successful stand-up comedian and is further proof that you don't need to rely on annoying, overdramatic physical comedy to make your act.. Dane Cook anyone?
He had a supporting role in one of my favorite films of 2009, the grossly underrated The Informant!
Maybe the best thing Joel brings to the table is his weekly onslaught of reality show, lowlife, trendy celebrities like Paris Hilton, The Hills cast, Jon & Kate Gosselin, the Kardashian's, and of course, his distaste for Ryan Seacrest.



Joel Mchale is one of the proud few taking up arms in the fight against Hollywood's finest tabloid fodder. And for that, he is this month's Man Crush.

FASHION TIP OF THE MONTH: JUNE

"MENS SUMMER HAIRSTYLE"



As of last week summer has officially started. Unfortunately almost always lost in the shuffle of planing vacations, camping trips, bbq’s, parties, etc., is mens hair. I think for the most part because fashion, style, and grooming aren’t at the top of most men’s priority list. It usually ends up falling completely by the wayside. For most all men, getting a haircut is more of an inconvenience and a burden than anything else. It costs money, it takes time, it just grows back, and you usually don’t care all that much how it looks anyway, as long as it is easy to style in a few seconds during your morning rush.
I think it is safe to say that most men wait way too long to get their hair cut. The truth is that men should be getting their hair cut once every three weeks; the best haircut is the haircut that goes unnoticed. If someone says “hey, I like your haircut” or “did you just cut your hair?” that’s a bad thing. Getting your haircut every three weeks will help you keep year round attractive hair without the hideous “grown out” phase.
Most guys procrastinate and allow their hair to grow out to the point that they, themselves, or their girlfriend/wife can’t stand it any longer. At this point they will then concede and finally give in to getting a haircut, but by then it’s been a month or two so the haircut is so drastically different that it would be impossible to not have people notice. Then this cycle continues and it’s rinse and repeat every few months.
Great news guys: It’s summertime and I have the perfect solution for you. It’s something I like to call the “Buzz & Scruff” hairstyle. What is it you ask? It is a haircut & facial hair combo that aside from being as low maintenance as it gets, it’s also the perfect haircut for the summer heat, very inexpensive, extremely high fashion. And the best part is it can be completed by a skilled technician, (yourself), in the courtesy of your own home, and is guaranteed to improve your look.

Throughout this post I will be interjecting a variety of celebrity photo testimonials of their before and after "Buzz & Scruff" hairstyle improvement.

- David Beckham







THINGS YOU’LL NEED
Electric hair clippers with attachment clip guards, one or two wall or handheld mirrors, scissors, a towel, and the hand-eye coordination of a child.

- Paul Walker





PREPPING
Choose an area inside or outside of your house that has access to an outlet and preferably a mirror. If you have an amazingly fit body (much like myself) take off your shirt and drape a towel around your neck, it is also fine to just leave your shirt on and drape the towel over it and around your neck.

- John Mayer













THE HAIRCUT
Based on the current length of your hair and how thick and corse it is you may need to start by using scissors to cut your hair to an inch or two in length so that it is easier for the clippers to cleanly run through and cut the hair.
Depending on the desired length, attach either the #3 clip or the #4 clip to the clippers. Any other size attachment clip can leave your hair looking either too short or too long. If you have a receding hairline I recommend using the #2 clip. Remember it’s a buzz haircut we are going for here. You will only be using one clip for the entire haircut. When you are finished it should all be one length.
Slowly run the clippers from the front of your head to the back of your head in even strokes repeating often and when necessary. It is important to use the extra mirror to check the sides and back of your head and to make sure that everything is evenly cut. Be sure to spend extra time on the harder to reach areas around your ears and the back of your neck. It is best If you have someone to remove the clip and help you tighten up around your ears and straiten your neckline. This is one of the few and only times that self administered haircuts from home are a good idea.

- Matthew Fox










FACIAL HAIR STUBBLE/SCRUFF
This is a key aspect and is almost as important as the haircut itself. The haircut and facial hair go hand-in-hand on this; one can’t go without the other. Much like a valued rug that “really ties the room together,” the facial hair is an essential piece of the puzzle that should tie “the look” together. Your face should never be clean shaven. Having a little facial hair will give your face more shape and character. The ultimate goal is to have the stubble/scruff give off the impression that maybe you care.. maybe you don’t. It should never look unkept or be mistaken for the beginning stages of a beard, opt for five o’clock shadow or just a little longer. For some, using the same clippers with no clip guard on your face once or twice a week will accomplish this look,. Others that have to shave daily and grow facial hair more rapidly, may need to purchase a beard trimmer and use one of the lower setting on your face once a day.
Last but not least, as you can see, this is the perfect style for anyone tired of constant razor burn.

- Robert Downey Jr.









LOW MAINTENANCE
Not only will this hairstyle quickly improve your current look, but it really is the lazy man’s hairstyle. There is no need to style or use any hair products. It is one of the only hairstyles that look great and only requires towel drying. It really is the best of both worlds. With this hairstyle you should be buzzing your hair once a week to keep it looking clean cut and well kept.

- Justin Timberlake





LOW COST
With this hairstyle you no longer have to take time out of your busy schedule to make an appointment, drive somewhere out of your way, spend twenty to thirty dollars you don’t have, all for a less-than-average haircut. For the same amount of money you spend for one or two haircuts, you can buy a new full set of hair clippers. This is a classic look that works for all ages and doesn’t only have to be seasonal if don’t want it to be. You could continue this hairstyle year round for as long as you want and still have the best look of everyone you know.

- Jack Johnson









NO EXCUSES
Old habits die hard, and If you’ve had the same type of “just add gel” hairstyle since you were a kid, it’s time to switch it up. Excuses like “my face is too fat,” “I have a weird shaped head,” “it wont work with my receding hairline,” “I’m too old,” or whatever other excuse you can think of is completely false and just an excuse. This hairstyle really has no flaws so get out of your comfort zone and try something new. When was the last time you remember getting a complement on your hairstyle from someone other than your mother? Like I’ve said before, this will only improve your look.

- George Clooney






EXTRAS
Having a tan with this hairstyle doesn’t hurt. If you are stuck inside all day and can’t get outside in the sun, feel free to spend the extra money you are now saving on a tanning pass. Salt & pepper is in. So if you have some grey hair and/or grey facial hair, this is the perfect hairstyle for you. Throw away all the hair dye and embrace your distinguished grey. (See George Clooney above).

And to prove I practice what I preach, I've included this photo of me from last summer.