So You Think You Can Dance has inspired another Mount Rushmore list, this time featuring the very best of the very worst music videos that involve dancing. As a young boy that grew up in the 80's I've seen more than my fair share of bad music videos. Even worse, I've seen just as many terrible dance themed music videos. So since bad dance music videos deserves their own separate list, I give you "The Mt. Rushmore of Bad Dance Music Videos" list:
DAVID BOWIE & MICK JAGGER "DANCING IN THE STREETS"
It is never a good sign when a six-year-old kid comments to his siblings on how horrible the dancing in this music video is... The year was 1986 and I was that poor unfortunate six-year-old kid. After suffering through this video again, I have a few questions. I know this was made for Live Aid to raise money for Africa, but I have to know: Whose idea was it to make this music video?! As a connoisseur of music, I refuse to believe David Bowie or Mick Jagger had anything to do with it. It seems more reasonable to think they were both forced against their will at knife point by Bob Geldof & the needy children of Africa. I love the fact that Mick Jagger felt okay about taking a drink of soda pop (1:33) with cameras rolling mid video shoot while Ethiopian children everywhere were starving. It also leads me to ask: Was this video shot in one take? Well, one take or not, if you are anything like me, you'll find yourself watching this music video and repeatedly catch yourself saying, "The tension is killing me, kiss already!" The personal space barrier is breached pretty early and often in this video, so it begs the question: How long into filming was it before they accidentally had sex?
I still can't believe such a video exists. Arguably two of the most influential musicians of all time got together and this of all things was the outcome?! This would have been a career killer for almost any other music icons. The 80's had the same effect as crack cocaine: no matter the celebrity or musician, no one was safe; it nearly destroyed anything it touched.
So If a video was shot in a London dockland and 25 years later is nearly forgotten about, does it still exist?
ROD STEWART "SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK"
Some guys have all the luck and some guys should stick to singing. This video is a perfect example that it is never a good idea to do your own choreography, especially if you are Scottish and can't dance to begin with. Why, may I ask, is he wearing bright red, attention grabbing shoes? As if the dancing in this music video wasn't painfully unavoidable enough already, someone on set had to know within the first few minutes that this was going to be a colossally bad idea. After watching the on-set playback of this video in the making, even Rod must have known it wasn't a good idea pass on his genetic code. The "dancing" in this video is so stiff and uncoordinated that Rod Stewart makes Ronald Miller aka Dr. McDreamy look like Fred Astaire. On that note, if I never see this music video again it will be too soon.
BILLY SQUIRE "ROCK ME TONIGHT"
If this is your first time seeing this video I apologize on behalf of myself and Billy Squire. I think I will keep all of my many thoughts to myself on this one, the pink satin tank top speaks for itself.
DAVID HASSELHOFF "HOOKED ON A FEELING"
Pure visual ipecac. Wearing an Eskimo suit and jumping with Aborigines?! Seriously?! How did Green Screen Technology ever survive this hijacking? Do German's still love David Hasselhoff? The guy has a hard enough time eating a hamburger. How was it ever a good idea to have him no-hand-standing a motorcycle, let alone letting "The Hoff" get in front of a green screen?
JOURNEY "SEPARATE WAYS (WORLDS APART)"
When it comes down to it there just isn't enough dancing in this video to justify putting it on the list.
FAT BOY SLIM "WEAPON OF CHOICE" (FEATURING CHRISTOPHER WALKEN)
This music video should be used as the blueprint for all future dance videos. It has to rank up there with "Thriller" as one of the greatest dance music videos of all time.
"You're talking to me all wrong... It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that!"