January 26, 2011



Admit that you are just as uncomfortable reading about who my man crushes are as I am writing about them. But since you're already here and you're already reading you might as well finish. I promise I will keep this pretty compact.
Lets get the elephant out of the room right up front. Yes, I am perfectly aware my January man crush was once upon a time a white 90's rapper. I am also aware that he unfortunately had a posse named "The Funky Bunch". Yes, his older brother is a member of the New Kids On The Block, and yes, I know that he starred in the colossally bad M. Night Shyamalan movie "The Happening". Now before this thing starts to get to far off track I would like to interject that.. Okay fine, Yes, he also has a tattoo of Sylvester the cat and Tweety bird on his ankle. Now can we please move on already?! Thank you!

Yesterday the 2011 Oscar nominations were announced and among the notable Oscar snubs this year none were as blatant as Wahlberg's for his reserved role as Micky Ward in The Fighter. Mark single-handedly developed every aspect of that film start to finish, a labor of love that was nearly five years in the making. Along with being one of the top three films of last year, The Fighter also joins the short list of the greatest boxing movies ever made. So Why the snub? I just hope it doesn't have anything to do with his white rapping past.
I can't understand how the majority of the public won't let poor Marky's ridiculous past go, yet they don't think twice about giving a pass to other actors with a far more dubious track record. To prove my point, let's play a game called "Which Is Worse?" Here is how you play: I will compare two different actors by naming several different films they've acted in over the years and you tell me which one is worse.

Which is worse?
1997: Boogie Nights or Men In Black?
1998: The Big Hit or Enemy of The State?
1999: Three Kings or Wild Wild West?
2000: The Perfect Storm or The Legend of Bagger Vance?
2001: Rock Star or Ali?
2002: The Truth About Charlie or Men In Black II?
2003: The Italian Job or Bad Boys II?
2004: I Heart Huckabees or I Robot?
2005: Four Brothers or Hitch?
2006: The Departed & Invincible or The Pursuit of Happiness?
2007: The Shooter or I Am Legend?
2008: The Happening or Hancock?
2009: The Lonely Bones or Seven Pounds?
2010: The Fighter & The Other Guys or force feeding your children down our throats i.e. Jaden & Willow Smith?
Sports/Boxing film: The Fighter or Ali?
Oscar nominated/snubbed performances: The Departed & The Fighter or Ali & The Pursuit of Happiness?
Career acting low: The Happening or Wild Wild West?

Depending on your taste of movies or lack there of, except for a select few films and maybe one or two draws, the better resume is undoubtedly slanted in Marky Mark's favor. Now would you believe me if I told you If you that the actor in juxtaposition of Mark Wahlberg is the highest paid actor in Hollywood? Unfortunately it's all too true. I'm sure you guessed who the second actor was within the first few seconds, and if you guessed Will "The Fresh Prince" Smith than you guessed right.
Can anyone honestly say that Will Smith's rapping past as The Fresh Prince is any less egregious Than Mark Wahlberg's as Marky Mark?

Anyway, enough of Will Smith, lets talk man crushes.
Mark Wahlberg is basically Ryan Reynolds if Ryan picked halfway watchable movie roles. His Calvin Klein ads were as memorable as any CK ads before or since. Also as proven in the movie Fear he is so muscular that if he repeatedly punches himself in the chest it inexplicably creates a bruise. For more information on this topic please email Chrissy at cdav06@gmail.com.

My hope and silent prayer of my heart is that rather than trying to remember him as this:

We will instead remember him for his acting chops and getting nominated and snubbed for these:


No comments:

Post a Comment