SPEAKING OF WRESTLING...

When I was a kid wrestling was different. There were few things better than staying up and watching Saturday Night's Main Event, Or getting up early on saturday mornings to watch Superstars of Wrestling. The 80's and early 90's WWF was an entirely different animal than what wrestling is today. You could barely find it on TV and even in the miracle that you did find it, you never got to see superstars wrestle. No titles ever changed hands. That was saved for Pay Per View events only. So the only thing you usually got to to see was a "superstar" beat up on jobbers like this:


The best was when there would be a tag team match of "superstars" vs. two random jobbers paired up together who you knew had never previously met, let alone ever wrestled together before, and it showed. They were there for the sole purpose of being warm bodies wearing tights for the stars to beat up on and ultimately pin. I used this same formula to transform my little sister into a jobber named Princess Pink basically so I had someone to beat up and practice my wrestling moves on when my friends couldn't play. Her joints and equilibrium have never been quite right since. Sorry Celeste.

Sex and steroids were out, and big, sweaty, fat guys like this were in and doing pretty well for themselves.






Guys like this didn't exist.




Back then this guy was referred to as "the worlds strongest man."


These clowns were our "superstars."








People paid good money to watch this:




Good guys, or, "faces," were in and chanted "USA!" Bad guys, or, "heels," were out. There was no blurred line between good & bad. There was also nothing you could even accidentally mistake as athleticism. Matches were lethargic and laughably bad. Believe it or not, there was actually constant heated debate on whether it was real or fake. In retrospect, in may have been the ugliest, unintentionally hilarious, waste of time, but what can I say? It was the 80's and besides bad fashion trends, bad music, and even worse hair, there wasn't a whole lot going on.
Wrestling has only gotten worse, much, much worse.


So on May 27th, to comemmerate another little piece of me dying, and the start of another season of So You Think You Can Dance, (aka, the female equivalent of professional wrestling), I will be contacting this blog's official advisor on all things "wrasslin". I will be catching up with Draven, a former amateur wrestler, pro wrestling historian, and friend of 25+ years, for my first "Celebrity Text Interview".
I will get his thoughts on my wife's controversial theory and debate the ugliest Pro Wrestling outfits of all time.

SO YOU WISH YOU WERE DEAD

Yesterday marked the one week countdown before helpless husbands like myself are held prisoner in their own homes, to a show featuring full seizures set to music. I try to be a good sport and not say anything. I even try to go into another room and find something else to do so that the temptation to make any snide, smart, disparaging, and accurate comments are avoided. Even its theme song is equally as bad as the show itself. Unfortunately, that show is like a bad stomach virus: It takes over the entire house and there is no way to avoid it. You can only bottle in those comments for so long before there is no place left to pack them, and they eventually all come flooding out.
During one such periodical profanity laced tirades about So You Think You Can Dance to my wife, I was in the middle of lovingly trying to educate her that not only is the show the "Titanic" of bad reality TV shows of all time, but that it may actually be the Antichrist. As soon as I started to think my valid points were sinking in and that in just a matter of seconds she would be forever removing it off our DVR, she dropped this on me: "So You Think You Can Dance is for guys what professional wrestling is for girls." I didn't have anything to say. For the first time in a long time I was completely and utterly speechless. The worst part is that no matter how much I'd like to disagree with such an absurd idea... she was right.
It bothered me for a few weeks, and, if I'm perfectly honest, it still does. I guess deep down I want to think that nothing can even come close to comparing to a show that horrific. I haven't watched wrestling in years outside of random times while my wife and I are watching TV together, I'll change the channel to "wrasslin" for a minute or two faking a serious interest. Just as she is about to get up and leave, I'll change the channel only to do the same thing over again a few minutes later. Rinse and repeat; It never gets old. Next week I will talk more about So You Think You Can Dance and how I'd rather give weekly birth to kidney stones than watch it.

SPORTS BEAT THURSDAY

Now that American Idol and Lost are wrapping up you can quit wasting your time and start watching something you should have been watching for months.
ESPN waited 30 years to bring us their best idea since Sports Center. Its called 30 for 30, a series of documentaries covering 30 years. This series is so worth your time even Ron Burgundy is putting aside his past issues with ESPN just to watch it.
The bad news is if you haven't been following them then you have already missed 15 of the 30 documentaries. The good news is they rerun previous episodes all the time on ESPN & ESPN2. It's the perfect series to watch with your spouse because it has sports for the husband and a plot and back story for the wife to enjoy. Each documentary is done by a different person varying from professional Hollywood directors like Spike Jonze, (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation), Barry Levinson, (The Natural, Rain Man, Wag The Dog), Steve James, (Hoop Dreams, Prefontaine), to guys like Steve Nash and Ice Cube.
Anyway, set your DVR to start recording these. Here is the full schedule.

* My wife was watching a show on TLC that I completely got sucked into. Its about a cute little four-year-old boy with a genetic disorder called myostatin-related muscle hypertrophy. I feel so bad for him. This disease makes him three times stronger than an average kid his age. He was moving furniture at age two. Basically, the disease makes this poor kid look normal while having to Carry around the burden of being faster, stronger, more developed, and more coordinated than all the other kids. Oh yeah, all while being super ripped. Basically the kid is a human ant. The show was aptly called Worlds Strongest Toddler.
I'm so thankful I don't have this rare, untreatable genetic disorder. It was fun to barely be able to rainbow throw a baseball from second base to first base. I loved being the last kid in kindergarten to tie my own shoes. Being told my leg looked like a golf ball in a garden hose was a memory I'll always cherish. I think I speak for all of us when I say I wish this kid the best of luck and he's in my prayers.

*Are you sitting down? This may be the most shocking news you've heard. According to nbadraft.net, in this years upcoming NBA draft the Utah Jazz are in line to pick.. wait for it... that's right, another white player. Shocking, I know. After I first read it I had the same reaction you must be having, thinking it has to be a mistake. Yahoo! Sports is not only reporting the same thing, but for good measure they have also included a photo of John Wall laughing at the Jazz.
My favorite part is the similarities to a fan favorite that held the Jazz payroll hostage for 10 long years. This year will be the 15 year anniversary of the "Ostertag draft". To celebrate let's count the the things the two players have in common. Big? Check. White? Check. Slow? Check. Play center? Check. Same college? Check. I can only hope that's where the similarities end, but when I read things like "His unorthodox shooting style makes him appear to be less coordinated and less efficient than he actually is," and, "His defensive speed laterally is a little slow," it doesn't give me a great feeling inside. I think the real question we are all asking ourselves is: "Does Cole Aldrich have a Greg Ostertag, Fred effing Flintstone tattoo anywhere on his body?"

*Are you a BYU football fan? I'm sorry. Rather than reading this do yourself a favor and drum punch yourself in the beanbag. Trust me, it will hurt less and wont completely ruin your day.
To all my friends that are U of U football fans, I know I'm asking a lot here, but if you haven't passed out yet, put down the bottle and put out your cigarette. Get out of your recliner and head to the kitchen to drink some of your stale coffee left over from this morning to help you sober up. Now that you are sober, take off the only two articles of clothing you are wearing, (underwear & tube socks), and go streaking "up through the quad to the gymnasium" to celebrate.
Seriously though, I think it may end up being a long year for my Cougs.

REDBOX RENTAL REVIEW OF THE WEEK: THE INFORMANT! & BROTHERS

Have you stayed awake at night hankering to see Matt Damon operate as an overweight, thick mustached, balding corporate exec during the early 90's? Well hanker no more. The Informant! is a slow paced, quick-witted, off beat dramedy based on the true story of Mark Whitacre, president of the bio products division at Archer Daniels Midland (ADM), turned FBI informant. Just imagine, if you can, a gainfully employed, more endearing George Costanza. This, my friends, is Mark Whitacre. A lovable loser played to perfection by Matt Damon.
I cannot say enough about Damon's performance in this film. He should have been nominated for his role in this film in addition to his role in the underwhelming Invictus which he was alternately nominated for. From opening scene to closing credits he puts the film squarely on his back and at times solely carries the load. I dare you to try to name one film that he has been in that was a disappointment. What's that you say? All The Pretty Horses and Stuck On You.. Okay, okay but, for the most part he has a near spotless track record.
Steven Soderbergh returns to form, directing his best work since Traffic and Oceans Eleven. Scott Bakula, (Quantum Leap anyone?), and host of E! channel's The Soup, Joel Mchale, do a fantastic job in their surprisingly dry and serious supporting roles as FBI agents assisting Whitacre.
My only complaint is the R-rating could have easily been avoided and the films slow pacing put my wife to sleep once in the theatre and twice while watching at home. Overall, this film is near flawless in what it set out to be: a dialogue driven, talky, drama with undertones of an intelligent comedy. This is without question the most underrated film of 2009. This film should be viewed with the focus on what it is rather than what it isn't. Rent this movie before you rent anything else. A-





Do you have a spare dollar? Good. Now go directly to your nearest Redbox location and waste it on the film Brothers. They should call this film, "Brothers: A Tobey Maguire Film." Actually, there should be a federal law passed that requires all film studios to include this advisory after the title of any movie featuring Tobey Maguire. He is one of the best anchors in the business; and not in a good way. He is the one friend you had in high school that could single handedly buzz kill the life of the best party. He dumps buckets of ice water down the front of the pants of any movie he is in.
Even knowing Cider House Maguire was in this film, I was still optimistic that Brothers could be a great drama for a few reasons. It stars top-notch Oscar nominated actors, Natalie Portman and Jake Gyllenhaal. Also, it is directed by Jim Sheridan, the same guy that directed the heart warming movie, In America. Even routinely accurate film critic Richard Roeper deemed this, "The best movie of the year". I made the mistake of thinking that all these factors could some how off set the Tobey Maguire factor. I was wrong. The dead weight of the movie industry has struck again.
To be completley fair, the movie is still watchable even despite Seabiscuit Maguire. It is centered around the all-too-common problem of individuals in the military having to leave their families to serve overseas. Apparently, some film exec thought it would be a good idea to cast the very nonathletic and baby faced Maguire as a former star high school quarterback turned Marine Captain. They also thought it would make sense to have said Captain the father of two preteen children. During a tour in Afghanistan he goes missing in action and is presumed dead.
His prickly dead beat brother, (Jake Gyllenhaal), steps in to help take care of his deceased brother's grieving wife, (Natalie Portman), and daughters. This portion of the film is worth your $1. Both actors are excellent and very believable. They manage to keep the serious tone soft yet enjoyably unsettling in a film that could have easily turned dark and depressing. Gyllenhaal is always impressive whether it be as a gay mustached ranch hand or as a troubled teen named Donnie. He is no exception here playing the prodigal son/ brother struggling to find his way in a delicate new role as a fill-in-father.
All the components of a good drama start to fall into place, there is only one problem. You guessed it. Spiderman Maguire doesn't stay dead. Not only is he alive, but he manages to hijack the rest of the movie ironically ending any chance of the film living up to its potential by putting a bullet right in the back of its head with a few scenes of stiff overacting. I would say more but I've given away too much already. C+

What to watch instead: Step Brothers (2008) A

TOP TEN TUESDAY

Top Ten Movies of 2009
It was another monster down year for films so blame the film industry for my incomplete list.


1- Inglorious Basterds
Tarantino is still the best writer/director in the Biz. I demand to know why this film wasn't released during Oscar season.

2- The Informant!
The most under appreciated film of last year period. Review to come soon.

3- The Road
Another film based on a Cormac McCarthy novel, and just like No Country For Old Men This film is as good as the book.. possibly even better. Blasphemy?

4- The Hangover
"The language in this movie is offensive!" I feel guilty about this movie making the list, but it could easily make my top 3 depending on the day you ask me. Zach Galifianakis makes this movie. One of the most quotable movies of the last ten years. Turn the film off after they make "the deal," before the credits show.. I still haven't seen it.

5- The Hurt Locker
What can I say? It won the Oscar and I can't argue with it, great movie.

6- Fantastic Mr. Fox
Wes Anderson doesn't get the Tarantino-type reverance that he deserves. Watch this movie, then watch The Darjeeling Limited, The Royal Tenenbaums, Rushmore, Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, and Bottle Rocket.

19- Sherlock Holmes
21- Up In The Air
28- District 9
34- Star Trek
39- Avatar
41- A Serious Man
487- Wolverine
987- Transformers 2

*Lost art from Inglorious Basterds as featured above can be viewed here.
Make sure you have both an empty stomach and find yourself unsympathetic to the views of the nazi party prior to viewing.




*LCD Sound System are releasing their 3rd album today. So far they are two for two so I'm betting this album will be worth purchasing, unless of course you have already purchased the new Justin Bieber album which I'm more than positive is just as worthy of your hard earned money.

*Speaking of Brother Bieber, it looks like dude finally got some prison ink done.
What took so long?! It's not like he is 15 anymore. Apparently he wanted the tattoo placed where he one day hopes to have pubic tresses.

*If you aren't a wealthy land owner that already owns Avatar on Blu Ray, It's now available for the poor on DVD at Redbox today.

*One last thing. "Just when I thought Shia Labeouf couldn't get any dumber he goes and says something this... and totally redeems himself!"
Okay well not totally, I'm sure he doesn't have a problem cashing those royalty checks.

A CASE OF THE MONDAYS

Its Monday! How was your weekend?! Wow that's really interesting. Anyway, now back to me and my weekend. I'm currently in a six pack abs/ weight loss competition with a group of friends so I thought it would be a smart idea to go to a party for each day of the weekend, and eat enough cake & ice cream to kill a small horse. On Saturday my daughter and I went to a birthday party for my friend's daughter. What kind of party was it you ask? It was a princess party complete with purple and pink tutus and tiaras. I thought I would be looking for excuses to leave within the first 5 minutes. Instead, we ended up staying for almost two hours. They booked the local pro, Princess Amerah. Despite my wife's false accusations that I have a crush on her, I will stick my neck out and say she did an amazing job and I'd recommend her to those like my brother Josh who will be in the princess party market for years to come, (he has three daughters all under the age of four).


*HBO's series "The Pacific" wrapped up its 10th and final episode last night. I can't describe in words how disappointed I was with the entire series. I know its not fair, but its hard not to compare it to one of the greatest mini series of all time "Band Of Brothers" (both were created by Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg). If you have never seen "Band Of Brothers," first off, do not tell a human soul this piece of information, second, ask your nearest family member to jimmy kick you for this dire sin, and third, pawn whatever you can for money and go purchase it on DVD. Trust me, you will thank me later. To keep it brief, I would just say that "The Pacific" suffered from a massive lack of character development. I ask the same question my friend DJ asked me, "Is it too much to ask for a Dick Winters?" We do however get to see the same quality of action sequences and demonstrations of the true grit and effects of war. It just took way to long to get going. On the bright side, if you've ever wondered what happened to the little annoying kid from Jurassic Park, as seen in the advert above, it seems he is "all growns up" and has been killin' Nips in the pacific. Though the last three episodes were much better than the first seven, it just wasn't enough to save the series from itself. C+

*I also spent the weekend listening to Band Of Horses' new album which I'll probably end up reviewing at some point. Anyway, they are streaming it on their website as we speak so you can listen to it all you want for free... cheapskate.

*The Black Keys also have a new album coming out that you can also listen to. If you find yourself asking, "Who are Band Of Horses & The Black Keys?," shame on you. You should already own every album both of these bands have put out.


*If you are like me and didn't see Scorsesee's Shutter Island, it is currently playing at most dollar movies. It is also your last chance to see Avatar on the big screen. Nothing says high class like a date to the dollar movies. I recommend a stop off at the nearest dollar store just before, unless you like paying $17.50 for 4 oz. box of Jordan Almonds. The "stop & smuggle" is the only way to go. The only thing you should be buying at the movie theater is the overpriced, smooth-on-your-arteries, delicious popcorn.


*Apparently scientists have figured out the next step in the de-evolution from man back to ape. Have you seen the advertisements for this? Its called Nivea active 3. It's an all-in-one body wash, shampoo, & shaving cream. I guess they figured guys weren't lazy and negligent enough when it comes to our hygiene. How is this a good idea? I don't work in a salon or anything, but I don't think you should be washing your hair with the same thing you are using to clean your feet and under carriage. The next step is an all-in-one body wash, shampoo, shaving cream & toothpaste.
My favorite part is the ads they are using. Guys that would use this product not only don't have a wife to shower with, but they don't look like this guy. They look more like this fine group of single brothers:


and this


and sometimes even this


and unfortunately this


*I also found out over the weekend that Real Salt Lake won the MLS cup last year, so I wanted to congratu... oh wait, that's right, I don't care.

*I do, however, care about my teeth. So much so that I am excited to see that Mountain Dew has three new trial flavors you can vote on here.
PS. Google the term "Mountain Dew Mouth" sometime. My wife tells me it is the distant cousin of "Meth Mouth," which is also worth your time to Google.

WELCOME TO MY POP CULTURE INTERWEB BLOG

Like everyone & their little brother I've decided to start a DAILY BLOG. I wish I could say that it is for any reason other than the fact that my wife no longer pays attention or even fakes interest in any of my half-baked, pointless, and always senseless daily musings but, that would be an outright lie. So it is because of her that I will now publish these thoughts and punish any and all readers instead.

I recently read about two complete dorks that got married after meeting through comments shared on a blog that they were both following. I promise the same results to any that unwisely choose to read my blog, (so here's to you Mom). I can also Promise that My blog will include, but is not limited to the following: spelling errors, punctuational errors, and grammatical errors of every kind, offensive comments, broken web links, pictures that fail to post or even open, atrocious diction, and many apologies.

I plan to include weekly movie, album, TV show & book reviews, fashion tips, reasons why my wife thinks I'm gay, sports topics, as well as my dislike for the soft, non sport, European waste of time called soccer, family and friend "celebrity interviews", my man crush of the month, reasons why my daughter is cuter than yours, and much, much more.

Please feel free to leave comments and please include the minutes and seconds you've lost of your life that you will never get back that you spent reading my mindless drivel. One last note, I am almost positive that reading this blog will make you sterile so please do so at your own risk.. WELCOME.