June 8, 2010
REASONS MY WIFE THINKS I'M GAY
Shhhhhhhhhhh! Please don't tell your wife about us, there is no way she could ever understand.
Originally this post was going to be about espn.com and how they are doing an interactive poll on who the best Boston Celtics players of all time are at each position. In adding to the poll with my own vote, I was disappointed that because Larry Bird played the Small Forward position, the website won’t allow you to select Larry Bird as the greatest of all time at each position. Larry Legend could have played every position better than anybody else on the roster every single season. He was such a matchup nightmare for opposing teams that most games he did end up playing every position on the court. I remember seeing this video for the first time on VHS and it blew my little white mind, I've been in love ever since.
Its no secret I think Larry Bird is not only the greatest NBA player not named Michael Jordan to ever play the game, but he also deserves more credit for saving the NBA than any other person or player without question. The Legend did more with less than anybody in history. With his genetic makeup, not only did this man have no business being on a basketball court, but it should have been a struggle to dress himself and correctly tie his shoelaces every morning. He was as clutch as they come and as tough as they come. He would punch his own grandmother in the face over a lose ball... I digress.
Anyway, as is common most days, I was thinking about Larry Bird and how aggravating it was not being able to select him for every position. I started to wonder where he ranks on the list of ugliest players of all time. Then in this thought I caught myself and said, “What the H! am I thinking about Larry’s Bird’s looks for?!” And it became more clear to me why my wife thinks I am gay.
So unfortunately for me, this will be the fist post of many to follow that will be published on this very theme.
About six years into our relationship and 10 months after we were married, my wife and I went on a road trip to visit some close friends in Portland, Oregon. After around nine or ten hours in the car together we ran out of things to talk about. It was around this time that, in boredom, I halfwittedly asked my wife a question that has haunted me ever since: “Have you ever thought that I was gay?” Her casually response of “Yeah” has since opened my eyes and given me further insight to how I’m sure many of my closest friends and family members see me not to mention casual acquaintances and strangers I come into contact with. The most appalling part is at the time I was completely shocked and dared to act surprised about her answer.
In retrospect I’m sure my wife has had these thoughts from our first date on, but as being a married woman I think the first time in our marriage that my wife probably had these thoughts about me being gay were roughly nine or ten hours after we were married. At the risk of sounding crass and extremely gay to the surprise of few I will just say that for our wedding night it was my request that she wear a Larry Bird jersey to bed, and that she did. So if you didn't know already, you can see I lucked out and married way above myself.
So to commemorate my first official “Reasons My Wife Thinks I’m Gay” post, I would like to allow my wife the opportunity to say a few things in closing.
The Mrs: The full story is that after he dared act shocked that I answered honestly, I told him the thought that he may be gay and not just a metrosexual crossed my mind one time but that I rapidly swept the idea from my mind. He still acted surprised and couldn’t understand why I would ever conceive such an idea. He finally calmed down and told me he was glad I was honest with him. I thought that was the end of the conversation.
We went on driving for another hour or so and he just couldn’t let it go. He wanted to have a deep discussion on exactly why I contemplated such a thing. Here is my list:
- He keeps his nails and toenails well groomed at all times.
- He shaves his arms and legs.
- He plucks his eyebrows.
- When we first started dating, he took longer than me to get ready.
- I can’t go clothes shopping without him.
- He hates to have his hair touched when he styles it.
- He loves to be tan.
- The Larry Bird jersey deal.
- He openly talks about men he thinks are attractive.
- He is very picky about girls he thinks are attractive.
- He has better taste than me when it comes to most things (not all like he thinks).
- After a night hanging out with friends/family, he could tell you exactly what everyone was wearing and how their hair was done.
- He worked at Abercrombie and Fitch.
- When we would hang out with our gay friends, all he wanted to talk about is how and when they knew they were gay and how their lives are affected by it (which I am also interested in, but he treated it like he was investigating if he was also gay or not).
- He had/has a GQ subscription.
- He has man dates with his friend DJ at least once a month (which is more than we have ever gone out, even before we were married).
- He basically designed my wedding dress and helped plan our wedding. (I think he really enjoyed it even though he acted bored).
- He is always telling me what men and women are doing right or wrong when it comes to fashion.
- And last but not least, he took me to see Brokeback Mountain on opening night (which I guess could have been worse... he could have gone with DJ to see it).
Most of these things I actually like about him, (especially his personal hygiene), but as you can see, I had/have plenty of reasons to wonder about my husband’s sexual preference and am justified in telling him I had thought of it. -The Mrs.